A new year comes with fresh beginnings, some of which are not necessarily by choice.
January is often unofficially considered as National Breakup Month. Why? Perhaps all that time spent together over the holidays made you realise your partner wasn’t the one for you, or your new year’s resolutions was to put your needs first and end that relationship that wasn’t serving you.
Whatever the case may be, there’s an element of “new year, new me” that possibly plays a role in this phenomenon. And marriages aren’t exempt either.
Cape Town-based law firm Simon Dippenaar & Associates explains how January is the time when many couples take the first step to ending their union and gives potential reasons.
“It’s a time when people take stock of their present and consider their future. This could mean choosing to reinvigorate a flagging relationship but it could also mean deciding to move on and build something new.
“Current environmental pressures, such as cost-of-living increases and the daily irritation caused by load shedding, also put fragile relationships under strain. Money worries are a common cause of relationship breakdown.”
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It may be petty but reasons could also be as shallow as hoping to avoid splurging on a Valentine’s Day or birthday gift.
No matter the cause, there may be a lot of you ending your holidays and starting the year with a heartbreak hangover.
Surviving a breakup – especially at the start of a new year – can be one of the hardest things to endure on an emotional level and can easily be a painful process to get through, even if you were the instigator of the split.
Here are tips to navigate this difficult time:
1. Don’t fight your feelings
The end of a relationship is considered a death of sorts, leaving both the dumper and the dump-ee reeling through a grieving process.
Starting the year with unexpected heartbreak has the potential to make you feel derailed but the best way to approach it is to acknowledge and feel your emotions - be it anger, sadness, resentment, anxiety, fear or regret.
Clinical psychologist Dr Kim Maertz shares, “Healthy coping means both identifying these feelings and allowing ourselves to experience these feelings. As hard as it is, you cannot avoid the pain of loss but realise that by experiencing these feelings, they will decrease over time and you will speed up the grieving process.”
2. Try not to personalise the loss
Whether you pulled the trigger on the relationship or you’ve been hit with an unexpected split, the best way to deal with your emotions and keep your head up high at the start of a new year is to try not to place blame on yourself.
The end of a relationship can be a positive thing in the long run, especially for those in unhealthy or toxic relationships that have been more draining than fulfilling.
Research shows that if someone is unhappy in their relationship, it may be difficult for them to experience the benefits of the emotional and sexual intimacy that most romantic relationships have.
After a breakup, it’s much more helpful to see the end of a relationship as an incompatibility or conflicting needs. Communication is a big building block but one of the other major issues and most difficult aspect to learn in relationships is recognising that it will help give you a bit more perspective and peace of mind.
READ MORE | Accept you might not get closure, plus 11 healthy steps to get over a breakup
3. What can you learn from the relationship?
From work and platonic friendships to romantic relationships, you can learn a lot from them especially when they are deeper.
Going through a particularly painful breakup can be more of a treasure trove of knowledge than you’d care to admit. Dr Kim advises that you spend time thinking about and even writing down the lessons you’ve learnt about how you’d like to be treated and how you treat others to grow from the experience.
“However, don’t use this as an opportunity to beat yourself up or blame yourself for the relationship not lasting. Learning promotes growth, while self-blame (i.e. feeling you’re a failure) only extends your suffering,” he warns.
4. Get into a new routine
A split can wreak havoc on your mental health and even translate to issues with your physical health. January is the best time to shift gears and get into a new routine to prioritise your well-being and set the tone for the year.
Couples counsellor Sarah Ruggera explains how loneliness and the disruption in your everyday life is one of the most overwhelming feelings that come with a breakup. The key is to adjust the feeling to “aloneness”.
“Aloneness can be a time to observe who you are – you have the opportunity to explore your independence and challenge yourself to do things on your own. It can be a valuable time of self-exploration and self-enhancement. Because aloneness may not last very long, or not long enough, it can be seen as a valuable opportunity,” she says.
Simple things like switching off from social media at the end of the day or scheduling video calls with your girls will give you a better sense of stability and normalcy – not to mention limiting time spent stalking your ex.
