Remember when actress Bonnie Mbuli tweeted that her former in-laws were the worst ever?
She wrote, “If you want to cook, clean and make tea like a crazy person, then marry into a Xhosa family. #yipIsaidIt.”
Another post read in part: “You work so hard; you’ll be begging your dude to take you home.”
Or, who can forget Charlotte played by J.Lo in Monster-In-Law – she finally finds love but soon discovers that her fiancé’s mother is a nightmare. The same theme is explored in the film Think Like A Man Too. We see how controlling and nosy Michael’s (played by Terrence Howard) mother is to soon-to-be wife, Candace (played by Regina Hall).
The mother and daughter-in-law relationship has always been tricky. Often, women feel that it’s them who have to compromise the most and must always submit to their in-laws.
Life coach Thembi Hama has sage advice: “Assess the situation. When dealing with a monstrous mother-in-law, you have to assess the situation. Try to be poised and calm. Ask yourself the following: ‘is this done from a place of love, correction or ignorance?’, or ‘is she just plain evil?’
“Perhaps there’s something you or your man are doing to aggravate the situation? Maybe, you need to get into her shoes and find out what’s causing her behaviour. She could be overprotective and feels you’re incapable of looking after her son. Or, she could be hurt that she’s no longer connected to her son and uses you as the scapegoat. The key is finding out where her attitude is coming from. When you do so, then things will be clearer. and you can work from there.”
READ MORE | Speak up when you need rest plus 4 other tips to navigate in-laws as a makoti this December
Relationship expert Dr Janet Rogers, however, has an alternative perspective. “A marriage is never an extension of the mother-in-law’s house; it’s a new entity for her son. That must be clear from the start so boundaries can be formed early.
“Sometimes the reason the mother-in-law is so difficult is because she’s afraid; she’s raised her son a certain way and feels that it’s only her daughter-in-law who’ll enjoy the fruits of raising him to be the man that he’s become. Your husband must establish who comes first. The answer should always be you – his wife.”
Hama echoes the same sentiments. “As the makoti, always enter the family with good intentions and to build, not to bicker. Never take your in-laws for granted; they’re important in your marriage.”
Love or loathe them, your mother-in-law isn’t going anywhere; she’s your hubby’s mother and your children’s grandmother. She’s part of your life, whether you like it or not. But there are ways to deal with it so you don’t lose your mind. Here are tips to deal with some situations you may find yourself in with your mean mother-in-law.
‘She thinks I’m her maid’
“My mother-in-law thinks I’m her personal slave, especially when I’m visiting or there’s a traditional ceremony. I take all her nonsense because I don’t want to cause any trouble. Even after I’ve scrubbed and cleaned her house top to bottom, she’ll still wake me up at 05:00 to accompany other women to collect firewood in the forest. My manicure! What do I know about firewood? If I confide in someone, they tell me to be ‘a strong makoti because they experienced the same with their in-laws.’ My husband laughs at me when I complain.” – Nwabisa, 30, Cape Town.
Expert advise: “This is a generational clash – our mothers used to be more physical when looking after the household while our fathers went to work. Now roles have shifted and women are also in the boardroom. Moms-in-law know this and if she makes you do uncalled chores, she’s being downright malicious. Don’t change yourself for her; get help so that you’re not belittled. If there’s umsebenzi, bring your own helper, but at the same time don’t let them do everything. While she peels the veggies, you can make tea and cook. If it becomes apparent that you can’t change the situation, stand up for yourself,” says Hama.
Dr Rogers says, “ You’re not her maid and you didn’t get married to make your in-laws love you. You’re loved by your husband and if she insists on making you her slave, then don’t go to her house. Set the tone from the start. Who cleans when you’re not there?”
‘She’s running my home
“My husband comes from a well-off family, and as a wedding gift to us, his parents bought us a house. I was so grateful. The only snag is that his mother comes in and out of my house as she pleases, and even has her own set of keys. Sometimes I find her in my son’s bedroom. One time I caught her rearranging my furniture. My husband says I’m overthinking everything.” – Nkosazana, 35, KwaZulu-Natal.
Experts advise: “Have a chat with your mother-in-law. “That is your home and not hers, she shouldn’t come to your house unannounced – that’s a sign of disrespect. If she doesn’t listen, ask your father-in-law to speak to her too. You have to tell her your grievances and how you feel she’s taking over your house. This is where you set boundaries and voice out that you don’t appreciate her doing things like that. When speaking out, always start with the positives, for example: ‘mom I appreciate what you bring into the family but I’ve got a little problem, I prefer that you’d knock.’ Try not to lose your mind, advises Dr Rogers.
‘She’s parenting my kids’
“I’m lucky enough to have my mother-in-law who babysit the kids when we are away. But she thinks she’s my children’s mother. One day I came back to find my daughters with new haircuts; they said granny took them to the salon to give them a makeover. When I confronted her she laughed and said I was overreacting. This is just one example of the many times she overrides my parental role. She’ll sometimes make my husband and I enemies to the girls by disregarding all the parental rules that we’ve set in our household.” – Anam, 38, Pretoria.
Experts advise: “Tell her you value her parenting skills and that over time you’d like to learn your own parenting style much like she did as well. You must assure her that you’ve got things under control. Sometimes, just to keep the peace, you can nod at her advice while you do what you see fit for your children,” advises Hama.
She adds: “Another option is speaking to your husband about your concern. In doing that, make sure you describe the behaviour. Tell him that: ‘your mom makes me feel small, or that she was shouting at me or verbally attacking me.’ Don’t paint her out as a mean person. Get your husband on board for support and encourage him to perform the role of a leader as he’s the common denominator between the two of you.
“Sometimes we let the relationships with our mother-in-laws go sour without talking things out – we tend to talk about each other and not to each other. Approach her and tell her how you feel emphasizing although you need her in your children’s lives, you also need to parent your own way. This will help you reach a truce.”
READ MORE | 5 ways to secure your happily ever after - ‘Be careful of the meddlers’
Dr Rogers also says your mother-in-law has no right to parent your children. “She did her parenting with your husband, she’s a grandmother. She has to assume the role of a granny and nothing else. You must be allowed to take care of your kids independently.
“The power of your husband should come into play here, he must stand up for you and tell his mom that what she’s doing is wrong and that you’re capable of looking after your children. When you speak to her be tactful in your approach because children have a relationship with their grandmothers and it’s important they have one.”
‘She wants us to be BFFs’
“I don’t know if I should be grateful and see this as a blessing. I hear horror monster-in-law stories from my friends but mine is the complete opposite. She wants to be my BFFs. From her Sunday lunches with friends to stokvels, to shopping and plans dinners just of the two of us. Although I do appreciate all of this, but it makes me a little comfortable. I told her this and it’s been two months she last spoke to me. I feel bad but honestly I feel relieved.” – Samke, 35, Sebokeng.
Experts advise: Hama says, “You should never be best friends with your mother-in-law. Always keep your distance, a person finally figures it out what you don’t want. Be strategic in how you push them away. Excuse yourself and be polite. It’s not even that they are being tricky in befriending you but are excited about you joining the family.”
Dr Rogers concludes by saying, “Don’t blur the lines. Your mother-in-law is your husband’s mom. She’s the grandmother of your kids and nothing else. Besties tell each other everything and that shouldn’t be the case with your mom in-law.”
