- Relationship advisor and life coach Paula Quinsee says there are ways to identify a difficult mother-in-law.
- Paula says you should raise your concerns with your spouse.
- It is then your spouse's responsibility to set the necessary boundaries with their mother directly.
Marriage should be a commitment between two people but sometimes you have family and friends overstepping their roles and trying to influence one of the parties in the marriage.
At times, the mother of your spouse can be the one overstepping boundaries.
Relationship and life coach Paula Quinsee says these are some of the red flags that one should look out for to identify whether they are dealing with a toxic month-in-law:
1. Always meddling in the couple’s business.
2. Always imposing her ideas, views and opinions on the couple.
3. She has no boundaries and is overbearing.
4. She is always trying to influence her son.
5. She tries to take over the wedding preparations and does not allow the couple to enjoy their day.
Paula says, “They don’t have healthy boundaries between them and their son, recognising that their son is an adult and that they should be able to make their own decisions and choices in life. They still see their child as a momma's boy and that they are there to protect their son.”
She explains that why some mothers-in-law end up mistreating their daughters-in-law.
“They will set really high or unrealistic expectations that no one will ever match up to,” Paula adds, saying that toxic mothers-in-law always find something wrong with their son’s wives and that they are of the view that nobody will ever be perfect for their son.
From traditions and religions to class and status, there are several reasons why a mother-in-law can find fault in her son’s wife.
However, Paula says, “Even if she feels that she does have a legitimate reason, the decision ultimately still needs to rest with the son.”
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Paula then advises that women shouldn't try to compete with their mothers-in-law and they should not be forced to have a good relationship with them either, it should happen organically.
She mentions that little initiatives such as learning a recipe or two from the mother-in-law can help establish the relationship.
What is important is that the mother-in-law realises that you are making an effort to learn from her and that you are appreciative of the efforts she has made with raising her son.
“It’s also about recognising that both the mother-in-law and the bride are equally important but [they have] very different relationships in the son's life.”
Paula says the bride should always take priority and that the husband should always consult with his wife when wanting to make decisions and do life planning, instead of discussing and making decisions with his mother.
Paula concludes by saying that for a respectable relationship between the wife and the mother-in-law, there needs to be a strong basis of boundaries and balance.
She says you should avoid confrontation with your mother-in-law and should rather address your concerns with your spouse, they will be the one to address the issues with their mother and set the necessary boundaries. You can also give instances or examples where boundaries were indeed overstepped. But you should be careful not to give ultimatums because that might not end well for everyone involved.
If it all fails, Paula says you could accept that they might never have a close relationship with their mother-in-law but they should maintain respect for each other and remain civil when they are together.
