This is Mandisa and Siyanda Dukashe’s love story as told to Sisonke Labase.
“I met Siya in 2003 at a social gathering when we were still nursing students and we had a great chat. We then bumped into each other that December and at the first opportunity he got, he told me that he was in love with me.
Initially, the feeling wasn’t mutual but I gave him my number nonetheless. He was persistent in his pursuit and such a lovely guy. I felt I wasn’t ready because I had just gotten out of a hectic relationship but he was so patient and his character made me reconsider my stance.
I had been burnt before when I met a guy to whom I disclosed my HIV status. He promised to love me but ended up rejecting me. Rejection is a painful experience, so I was hesitant with Siya because obviously, ‘once beaten twice shy!’ I had been hurt before. Yet, he continuously showed me that he was genuine.
I fell for him and couldn’t picture life without him but I still hadn’t disclosed my status. At that time, I was already an activist, hosting talks and educating people about HIV/AIDS. So, I decided he’d find out from my next campus talk.
Towards the end of February 2004, I disclosed my status to him. I wrote a letter and put it under his pillow before leaving his home one morning. I didn’t want our relationship to be based on dishonesty – it wasn’t easy falling in love and knowing that I was hiding something. He came to see me that night after reading the letter.
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He told me he knew about my status even before we dated and loved who I was, and it changed nothing. He told me, ‘you are not HIV, you are you’. I knew then that he was heaven-sent and meant for me.
We got married in 2007 and haven’t experienced any negative comments about our mixed status, except for one woman who once asked my husband if he knew that I was HIV positive. It frustrated me that she felt the need to discuss my status behind my back. But, because of his positive response to my disclosure, I just moved on with my life.
Some people have tried ridiculing me on social media but my family and friends set them straight before I get the chance to. I use the random negative comments as an opportunity to educate someone but I luckily receive more love and support from people.
No-one buys HIV, so ignorant people need to have a mindshift because HIV affects any and everyone in the world. If it isn’t you, it could be your child, aunt, uncle or cousin. Recently, my brother-in-law commented at a family gathering and said, ‘Wow! My brother is so brave.’ Such comments warm my heart because when people look at my husband, they see this amazing, extraordinary man because he isn’t afraid of being with a woman living with HIV.
Knowing that I’m loved, irrespective of what people say, is all that matters because they’re not going to change who we are. When I got diagnosed in 2002, people were literally dying. There wasn’t any hope and I gave up on ever being a mom, being successful or even achieving my goals. I was the first to go to university in my family and had so many dreams of what I could be and do. But God clearly had other plans.
Naturally, as a makoti, the family expects you to have a child and it was at such moments that I was reminded that I’m HIV positive. Our intimate relationship depended on using protection, so we’ve always used condoms. In 2008 we did some research and decided on intrauterine insemination, a process where a sperm is inseminated in a woman’s womb. Sadly, medical aids don’t cover this so we had to raise the funds ourselves and found a gynae who walked the journey with us.
I was monitored closely and, luckily, fell pregnant within four months. We went this far so I could feel like a wife and, for him, to feel like a family man. We continued using protection in our sexual life and raised our daughter. As time went on, we wanted another child but didn’t have the funds for another procedure.
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I must admit I had fears that he’d leave me because he had to use protection continuously and we had the dilemma of wanting another child. As it turned out, I had no reason to worry. He came home with a well-researched study on how we could have a child the natural way because my viral load was low and undetected, so I couldn’t transmit the virus.
It took me a while to warm up to the idea because I was so afraid that I’d infect him and our unborn baby. In 2014 we tried for our second child. Fortunately, both our daughters were born HIV-negative. Now we, regularly, check to make sure my viral load is still suppressed. I take my treatment religiously and my husband also takes regular HIV tests.
We disclosed my status to our [child] in an age-appropriate manner because we didn’t want her to hear about it outside of our home. She asked questions to try and understand how I got infected while her dad remained negative.
She’s accepted it; she loves me and is willing to stand against anyone discriminating against me. I’ve been living with HIV for 16 years. My family is a reflection of God’s existence and His unwavering love!”
“My nursing background helped me understand my wife’s journey better because, as they say, ‘knowledge is power’. Being well-versed on HIV/ AIDS and having witnessed a lot in my line of work, I was open-minded about her status.
I thank God for giving me the strength because, when we met, the stigma around HIV/AIDS was very high. However, for me, it was love at first sight and there was no way I’d let her go — love has the power to overcome everything. I was already in love with her, so nothing they said could’ve changed that.
All the negativity fuelled me to love her even more. She was and remains my comfort, solace and happy place, irrespective of her status. To this day, if people do say anything negative, it’s usually behind my back.
So far, no one has said anything hurtful to my face about our relationship or asked ignorant questions. Our life together is so normal that people ask for advice on how we keep our love alive as a mixed-status couple.”
This article first appeared in the December 2019 issue of TRUELOVE
