We walk into romantic relationships expecting them to be filled mostly with joyous moments and minimal conflict.
Yet, our reality couldn’t be further from this. For instance, your partner could be an exceptional father, but an emotionally absent husband to you or you could be with a guy who doesn’t think twice about turning his pockets inside out to spoil you yet fails to extend a simple hug when you’re feeling down.
So, what do you do in the case of a partner who is perfect in every sense but holds back emotionally? Heck, is it even a relationship if there’s no emotional supporting sight?
Why is he holding back?
Not all emotionally unavailable people know that they are and will therefore be oblivious to the impact it has on others, says relationship coach Dudu Nhlabathi-Madonsela.
For instance, black men are socialised not to wear their emotions on their sleeves.
“First determine if your partner is aware of his emotional unavailability and if he’s willing to improve, either through couple’s or individual counselling,” says Dudu.
She adds that the emotional unavailability could stem from a childhood trauma where the primary caregiver might have been depressed, neglectful or overworked and therefore emotionally stingy.
“From an attachment theory point of view, that person may be suffering from avoidance — where they honestly don’t know how to connect emotionally,” she says.
In the words of renowned Canada-based poet Rupi Kaur, “It’s impossible for one person to fill you up in all the ways you need to be filled. Your partner can’t be your everything!”
Simply put, placing your happiness in the hands of your partner is an unreasonable request.
Certified relationship coaches Pastor Thatoyaone Seleka, and his wife of 19 years Gaopalelwe, believe that the first point of departure should be accepting that your partner will never tick all your boxes.
“It’s always best to appreciate all the good that your partner brings to the relationship, while also accepting that they will have shortcomings here and there. We’re all a work-in-progress and therefore shouldn’t be overly demanding of our partners,” they advise.
READ MORE | ‘We’re just vibing’ –Why the talking stage can be a good start to a potential relationship
Any hope?
Instead of unapologetically laying out their emotional needs on the table, many women bekezela (hang on tight) through relationships that are low on emotional support by convincing themselves that men aren’t emotionally inclined anyway.
However, this is unsustainable and impractical, in the long run, warns Dudu.
“Human beings innately seek and thrive on emotional connections,” she explains, adding that if your partner is willing to seek help, then they’re worth giving another chance.
However, in the case of a partner who thinks that you expect too much from them, staying in that relationship could lead to unfulfillment, or even infidelity.
The Selekas believe that emotional support isn’t the only bedrock of a healthy relationship. “Being with a partner who doesn’t nurture your emotions doesn’t automatically make your relationship doomed. To help avert or make you less obsessive about the emotional issues, rather focus on making yourself fulfilled so as not to overburden your partner with unreasonable expectations,” they advise.
The Selekas recommend spending time with a female friend and family or investing in hobbies.
“Engaging with others should help fill your emotional cup and make you realise that your happiness is your sole responsibility,” explains Gaopalelwe.
Emotional cheating
Oftentimes, the easy option that most people resort to — to fill the void left by their partners — is stepping outside the relationship. Some people might seek this emotional comfort from their BFFs, while others may opt to get it from male friends.
“Being in a marriage where you seek emotional support outside could break down the family structure and damage the children psychologically. If you’re raising a family with Mr ‘Emotionally Unavailable’, then you’re teaching your children that emotions aren’t a priority in any relationship,” warns Dudu.
“Most relationships start out emotionally—not physically,” says Gaopalelwe, adding that we should rather share our concerns with female friends to avoid treading on dangerous territory.
“If you find yourself receiving emotional support from someone you like, then you’re opening yourself up to cheating. Very few people are mentally strong enough to get emotional fulfilment outside and still come back to maintain a happy relationship with their partner,” she cautions.
Now the pertinent question is: Should you be feeling guilty about getting emotional fulfilment elsewhere? Pastor Thatoyaone reckons you should only feel guilty if the source of support poses a threat to your relationship.
Dudu says if the support is pure and platonic, then it’s not cheating.
Values exercise
What you value the most might be at the bottom of his priorities list, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the two of you are incompatible. First determine if your concerns feature on his values list. If they don’t, you will probably always hit a brick wall. If they do appear on his values list, just at different rankings, then the relationship is worth fighting for. Have a values conversation regularly – at least every six months.
Effective communication
Do you scream, give ultimatums or bring up issues as soon as he walks through the door after a long day? Always question if you’re communicating in an effective enough manner. Sometimes, you might even need a third party —a professional counsellor or family member — to translate your needs.
Emotional safety
Being vulnerable is an emotionally unavailable person’s worst nightmare, for fear of their flaws being out in the open. Worse, if they show their vulnerabilities to someone who constantly points out their flaws, they immediately feel unsafe and shut off all emotions. Therefore, be cautious of how you communicate with them so that they don’t keep their emotions to themselves.
