“A great marriage begins with a solid foundation.”
These are the words of Pastor Zungu of the Zionist Church in Durban. His advice is the same for most couples who are about to marry, and that is “you cannot build anything stable without a good foundation.”
So make sure that you are marrying for the right reasons.
It shouldn’t be just the wedding day that you’re looking for, but the actual companionship with someone you really love.
“If you have this, your marriage will be unshaken no matter how big the storm,” he says.
Also, know God, and have faith that he is there whenever you need him. Pastor Zungu says that prayer is powerful, no matter your religion.
Nozipho of Pretoria says that prayer is very important in her marriage: “My husband I met in church and our family believes in prayer. We do not start anything without looking to Christ our Saviour for guidance. My church minister advised me to never allow other people to be involved in our business as a couple. When we have a problem, we discuss it as a couple – no-one else is involved.
“I may get angry, but prayer calms me down. And when I’m calm, I usually deal with things better. He also advised me that marriage means that we are like one person; if you hurt your partner, you’re hurting yourself. And when your partner is happy, you’re happy.”
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1. ‘Be careful of the meddlers’
Mrs Mdletshe had been married for 21 years at the time, and she has handed down lots of good advice to female family members getting married, as well as to young brides in her community.
In her opinion, a marriage is a covenant between you and your husband, and you should not allow ‘meddlers’ into it.
Cleo of East London shares this sentiment: “My husband’s aunt told me that I must always remember that I’m marrying my husband; not his family, nor my friends or his friends, or anybody else for that matter. She said to be careful of people who like to meddle in other people’s business.
“And thank the Lord for that advice, because many have tried, and they know that I will take his side in a heartbeat, and he will take mine. When we first got married, some members of his family were trying to take advantage of my kindness, and my husband would have none of that.
“When we have a problem, we always take a drive to the beach or somewhere to talk it out, away from the kids. If I’m not happy about something, I don’t need to talk to, or ask, anybody else. I talk to my husband. And what I love about him is that he knows how to apologise and always asks how we can make it right.”
2. ‘Respect your in-laws and your partner’
When Gogo Soliwe was a young bride in the early 40s, her own grandmother stressed that she must respect her in-laws and obey her husband.
She says that getting married back then, in a time when women had almost no rights, was tough.
“You had to wake up from being a little girl and become a woman very quickly. In most cases your in-laws treated you like a maid because you’re a ‘makoti’.”
Although times have changed, Gogo still advises her grandchildren to always respect their partners.
“My grandmother once pulled me aside, years before I got married, and told me that she was worried I wasn’t going to be a good bride because I was too headstrong,” says Mathombi of Soweto.
“She said, if you don’t respect your husband, you will lose him. When I got married, the things she said all came back to me. My husband and I treat each other with respect. No matter how angry I am, I don’t start an argument in the presence of other people because it’s disrespectful. Even when we fight, we fight fair. We don’t swear at each other or call each other names.”
3. ‘Honesty is a virtue’
As someone with experience in marriage issues, Mam’ Makhanya of Umlazi is quick to dish it out; but she also practises what she preaches.
Her marriage advice to her daughter, who got married last year, was that of honesty. She explains that if you can’t answer each other’s phones, how will you ever trust each other?
There should be transparency in your marriage, even when it comes to your feelings.
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“When I got married, my colleague, Mrs Buthelezi, advised me to always stay true to myself and not do anything that I won’t be able to sustain for a long time,” says Nana of Pietermaritzburg.
“I took this advice very literally; if I disagree with something, I will say so. I don’t do anything that I know would be difficult to sustain. If you allow your husband to be out with friends every weekend in the beginning, then you can’t turn around and complain about it ten years later.
“It will cause a fight and you’ll look like you’re controlling when, in fact, you’ve felt lonely all these years. It becomes a lose-lose situation. I always say what I feel, and we try and compromise or find alternative ways of dealing with certain things.”
4. ‘Don’t panic – you’ll know what to do’
According to relationships expert and author, Harriet Lerner, “You already know what to do” when feeling disconnected and distanced in your marriage.
In her book, Marriage Rules – the Manual for the Married and Coupled Up, she says “No expert in the universe knows the way you do what warms your partner’s heart.”
So think of what makes your partner happy, and start with that. It can go a long way when patching things up.
“I think therapy can be a useful tool for married couples,” says Malibongwe of Nelspruit.
“Before I got married, my mom sort of ‘forced’ my wife-to-be and myself to do premarital therapy. Some of the best advice that my therapist gave me was that a ‘happy wife equals a happy life.’
“I’m no romantic, but I always do little things for her to make her feel special. I have all the important dates saved on my calendar so I can remember them. I do things like sending an sms telling her how much I love her. I think sometimes we guys stop doing that because we think, ‘ah, she knows I love her, I don’t have to say it all the time.’ But it could make all the difference in your marriage.”
5. ‘Put your family first’
Tradition is important to Bab’ Ndala of Inanda, KZN.
He advises couples about the importance of playing your role in a marriage. He feels that it’s unfortunate that young people are abandoning the traditional rules when they could learn so much from them.
Men should put their families first. He says you should work hard for your family, and your wife and kids will respect you for that.
“My uncle told me I was in control of my marriage; if I want it to work, it’ll work,” says Luxolo of Cape Town.
“This made me think really hard about what he was saying. And now I know that you have to be absolutely dedicated and committed to your marriage for it to last. If you’re not, you’ll give up very easily or you just won’t put in the effort. It all depends on what you and your partner want.”
