Not for nothing, parenthood is described as having your heart running around outside your body, only that heart is like a babe in the woods – innocent and unaware of the world and its dangers.
But as parents, we’re fully aware of the elements they face every day and this knowledge can be very stressful – so what’s a parent to do?
When you gaze at your mini-me shortly after birth, there is that wave of emotion, the endorphins, the all-consuming love - parents know it all too well. You want to give them the world and only the very best – but it’s not that easy. Life, work and stress get in the way. Add to that possible single parenthood, stranger danger, an unexpected global pandemic, a bad economy and ever-increasing school fees.
So, how are we supposed to cope - not to mention our children and teenagers? We asked some experts for advice on how to protect your children and help them succeed.
Single parenthood
One of the biggest problems for children, and especially Black children, in SA is the lack of a father figure in their lives.
Research by the Human Sciences Research Council and the South African Race Relations Institute in 2019 shows that 60 percent of South African children have absent fathers and more than 40 percent of South African mothers are single parents.
Other statistics are equally grim. Stats SA found that in 2018 many young children (46 percent) lived only with their biological mother and 2 percent lived only with their biological father.
It also reported that in 2020, 71 percent of children from households headed by women were multidimensionally poor, compared to 53.6 percent from households headed by men. Being a single parent is problematic in many ways, placing a psychological and financial burden on the single parent and their children.
Add to this the fact that South African women earn on average 28 percent less than men, and you have a disaster, as this is the reason for the disproportionate poverty in female-headed households.
So, when the single mother is struggling just to survive, to feed, clothe and educate her children, the psychological aspect of growing up without a dad is often swept under the carpet. She focuses mainly on putting food on the table and clothes on the backs of her children.
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Johannesburg-based clinical psychologist Megan Vries, who also specialises in working with children and young people, gives this advice. She suggests first having a difficult conversation about the lack of a father figure.
“It may feel easier to avoid conversations about the absent parent, but an environment needs to be created that allows the child to express their feelings. Children may have mixed emotions, including missing the absent parent, feeling abandoned or rejected, and anger. A child may have a very positive or negative perception of the absent parent. Efforts should be made to understand and validate the child’s feelings,” she says.
“The present parent is likely to have strong feelings towards the absent parent and these conversations can be very difficult, but an effort should be made to ensure that these feelings don’t guide or dictate the conversations. The purpose of these conversations is to help the child understand and process their feelings. Parenting a child is very challenging and can feel overwhelming at times. Be kind to yourself and put in place structures that give you the support you need.”
Try: Keeping the lines of communication open. Allowing the child the ask why their father does not live with them. Show no signs of annoyance when they ask about their father. Letting your child know that they can talk to you about anything happening in their lives. Open-ended questions are a useful tool in helping children express their feelings.
Being emotionally present
Work can be hard, days are stressful, and there is no end to the demands. Then, when you get home, you’d love to kick off your shoes and take five minutes before indulging in chit-chat, dinner and bath routine. But over-excited young children pounce on you as soon as you enter the door, or teenagers need something – money, a permission slip, or help with homework. It’s a lot.
If you often feel as if you have nothing left to give – and on a particularly tough day it can seem impossible to cope with it all. A few snappy/crabby days are understandable, but don’t let that become the norm. Instead of constantly stretching your physical and mental reserves to the limit, go for simpler options – such as ordering a pizza or having a fun make-your-own-sandwich kind of night.
Vries says, “Parenting is exhausting. Realise that there may be times when you are not able to be there for your child as much as you would like to be.”
Having the capacity to be emotionally present depends on many factors. It may be that a parent is physically present but completely unavailable emotionally. It is crucial to recognise the factors that prevent you from being emotionally available.
These include the parent’s own relationship patterns (formed in childhood, as a result of unmet emotional needs or as a result of trauma). Once you have identified the reasons for emotional unavailability, you can try to work through difficult feelings and experiences.
Try: If weeknights are too much for you, rather prioritise spending time with your children at the weekend. Have fun and get to know your kids. If it’s a stressful period, plan relaxing activities like cycling, walks in the park, or hikes. You want your children to see and get to know the fun, relaxed you - not the angry, stressed-out you.
Vries adds: “It becomes problematic when a caregiver consistently fails to meet the child’s needs. Early caregiving experiences play an important role in fostering the development of a coherent sense of self. Deficits in meeting a child’s emotional needs can lead to avoidance or hunger for these needs in adulthood, difficulties in emotion regulation and challenging interpersonal relationships. A child with inconsistent, neglectful or absent caregivers may desperately seek others to feel special and cared for.”
Balancing trust with safety
Nothing strikes fear into a parent’s heart like the words “missing child”. Parents are more cautious today than ever before–and who can blame them, given the high numbers of abductions, child abuse and general danger out there? But how can we raise our children without fear but with an awareness of the dangers? This is a very fine line.
The reality is that children in South Africa are disappearing at an alarming rate. Criminologist and national coordinator of Missing Children South Africa (MCSA), Bianca van Aswegen, says: “The only statistics we have on missing children are outdated and paint a frightening picture. The statistics we still use are figures published by the South African Police Service’s Missing Persons Bureau in 2013, which say: ‘Every five hours a child goes missing in South Africa’”.
But, as she explains, the numbers are much higher. “Currently, there are over 1100 cases of missing children per month in SA. But given the under-reporting of cases, lack of resources in rural areas, and unreported ransom cases, the numbers are much higher. She also warns that in many cases missing children are abducted by people they know–family members, friends and community members – so it is unavoidable that you have to warn your children of the dangers.
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She says: “You have to warn them about the dangers out there and what we are facing as South Africans. You do not want them to live in fear, but they need to be aware. Tell them what signs to look out for.
“If someone is behaving inappropriately towards them, is overly touchy-feeling, making comments about their bodies or making them feel uncomfortable, they need to tell you. Parents must keep the lines of communication open. Chat to your children and ask them about their day. Watch out for changes in behaviour if they are withdrawn, non-communicative and behaving out of character, as these are warning signs.”
She also advises parents to keep a recent photo of their child handy, just in case the worst should happen. “Searching for a missing child without a photo is incredibly difficult. Parents need to have a recent, clear photo of their child to hand over to the police. And if your child does indeed go missing, you should report it immediately. There is no waiting period – the first 48 hours are crucial when searching for a missing child.”
Academic struggles
No parent wants to see their child struggle – be it academically, emotionally or physically, but this reality is a harsh truth for most parents. Sometimes kids fall behind: maybe it’s just a temporary dry spell, but it could be a sign of something bigger. Before you panic, remember that it is normal for children to struggle in school due to challenges beyond their control. It could be something simple like failing maths because it’s a morning class and he’s been playing video games late into the night. But it could also be something more than that.
The one thing you can’t do is ignore it
- Talk to your child first to find out if there’s a bigger problem. Then visit the school and talk to the teachers to get an overview of your child’s progress and behaviour.
- Visit your healthcare provider and, on their recommendation, an educational psychologist. Your child may need special help. Or maybe they just need extra tutoring in a difficult subject.
- Just take it one step at a time. Through it all don’t forget to talk to your child – don’t shame them for their failing grade.
When kids are struggling, their self-esteem can drop too. Empathise with them and let them know everyone struggles with something, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Above all, reassure them of your love. Don’t just focus on their bad grades – or make them study all the time, plan fun outings and activities. Reassure them that you’re with them and you’ll deal with the problem together.
