It's a conversation that comes up every time a widow or widower finds love.
Is it too soon? How will their children react? And are they fully healed?
This conversation came up again when newly appointed deputy president Paul Mashatile married the widow of his comrade and friend.
They both lost their spouses in 2020. South Africans were torn between being excited that there are those who find second chances at love, and wondering how long it takes to heal.
There's no right or wrong time to find love after the death of a spouse, experts say.
Most people say “till death do us part” when they exchange wedding vows.
But the wish or expectation is that the “death” part only comes when you are old and grey with a house full of memories, grandchildren or even great-grandchildren.
But what happens when death comes knocking on your door before then, is it possible to find love after a spouse has died?
Counselling psychologist Bêne Otto, who is doing her PhD in grief, says yes.
“Love is not a limited resource,” she says.
“Loving a new partner does not mean a person loved their deceased partner any less. It is possible to love the new partner and find comfort in them, while forever having a place in your heart for the deceased spouse.”
She says society cannot dictate how long people can grieve because there is no timeline.
“There is a misconception that grief can only last for a certain time then after that it is over. But that is not correct. In fact, I do not even think people move on, they just move forward. They learn to live the pain of losing a loved one.
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“Society has mixed messages especially for people grieving their spouses, because they will say you cannot grieve for too short a period, but it also cannot be too long. Society admires eternal mourners who never get new spouses because it is then assumed that they loved that partner so much that they can never love again. The length of a mourning period does not indicate the amount or depth of love someone had for their partner.”
Bêne explains that it is also possible to find love in the arms of someone who knew the deceased spouse because that too can add a sense of comfort.
“When someone introduces themselves as widow or widower, the new partner can empathise. But if it is some who already knew the deceased spouse, there can be comfort in the familiarity. Then a connection can be built based on the common loss and spending time together in that mourning time.”
While grief cannot be compared, Bêne says the grief from losing as spouse is certainly different.
“A spouse is your chosen family. They are your person. The person you do the mundane things of life with, but also share special moments with. Losing that person can change a person and they have to learn to live life differently without their person.”
She says society must not dictate how and how long people should grieve for their loved ones.
“There are so many rules and regulations about grief which are so unfair. They make an already difficult process even harder. Grief can be a lonely thing even if someone has a support system. People should be allowed to grieve in their own way.
“At the end of the day, their spouses have died and how they choose to live and pick up the pieces of their heart should be their decision.”
South Africans recently found out that the newly appointed deputy president Paul Mashatile married Humile Mjongile, who was married to former ANC Western Cape secretary, Songezo Mjongile.
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Songezo died in September 2020 after a battle with colon cancer, while Matshatile’s wife, Manzi Ellen Mashatile, died in July 2020.
Both Paul and Humile started foundations to honour their deceased spouses.
Unisa’s Dr Joshua Ndlela, who also has a private practice, agrees with Bêne that there are no timeframes to grief.
“There are different stages of grief and acceptance is the second last of them. There is no duration that people can be given to mourn their spouses.”
He says taking the step to love again is a big one because some people develop philophobia, the fear of love, when they lose a spouse.
“It is not easy for people to love wholeheartedly again after such a loss because they are afraid of getting hurt again. They have a fear of giving themselves to another person. If anything, it is commendable if someone is able to love again.
“A lot of people end up pushing love away if the opportunity comes again. What I would advise is for people not to rush into anything. Love can come again at any time. It is important to heal before getting into another relationship,” he adds.
