DOROTHY BLACK fights old-world myths that affect sex life – such as the idea that sex means a Penis In a Vagina (PIV).
Think of “sex” as an umbrella term for all the sexy acts that get you hot and bothered with someone else – or yourself. Which brings us to myth number one: virginity.
Virginity is a thing
Your vagina isn’t a Pringles can that you pop(although once you pop, you might not want to stop). If it’s a concept, then when do you “lose” your virginity? The dictionary will say something like: you lose your virginity when you practise sexual intercourse for the first time. But if you don’t practise PIV sex, do you remain a virgin regardless of all the crazy kinky sex stuff you get up to?
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First time sex hurts
Any penetrative sex hurts whenever you’re not ready and are expecting the worst. Your body clams up, your vagina clams up, in many cases your vaginal lubrication will dry up and the friction will hurt. But it doesn’t have to hurt.
Foreplay is for her, men are always “on”
We’re told that women need foreplay and men are always ready. But all that “foreplay” stuff is really just sex and you’re either ready for it or you’re not. You either need slow sex and a longer build-up or you can get off on a quickie.
Men want sex, women want emotional connection
This is an old model, one that is sexist, old-fashioned and stupid. Humans are from earth, and like sex, want to be accepted and have feelings. We have been socialised to believe that men and women are different.
Great sex comes naturally
Great sex is like learning how to cook. Everyone can eat food, just like everyone can bump genitals together. Being a good lover depends mostly on stuff that has nothing to do with your genitals, including self-knowledge, being able to communicate clearly, being open to exploring and being generous with your time.
Unfortunately, when most of us are presented with our first lovers we’re far from expert. This can easily colour one’s experience of sex and desire, and label the whole fiasco as less than satisfactory.
Everybody likes sex, right?
Well no. Some people really don’t. Maybe it’s due to bad early experiences with intimacy and sex. Maybe sex just isn’t that much of a priority. There are also asexual people who don’t feel any sexual desire. It doesn’t mean they don’t fall in love, need or want physical tenderness.
Your number matters.
Quantity means little to your morality as it does to you as a lover. The only purpose of someone’s judgement and shaming around the number of people you’ve had sex with, is as an accurate measure of their issues, not yours.
Sex is about orgasm
Another product of the goal-driven society. Orgasm is great, no one is denying that. But it is not the only pleasure we derive from physical intimacy with each other. Loving and/or enjoyable skin-to-skin interaction sets off a chemical reaction in the body that releases a lot of happy hormones that build affection and bonding.
Men reach their sexual prime when they’re 18, women when they’re 35
I’m going use the scientific term for this: Rubbish! This myth unfolded from very old, socially dated research from data collected by the sexologist Kinsey in the 50s. What experts now believe is that there is a genital prime and a sexual prime.
The former is driven by biological factors (hormones, health and so on) and the latter social factors (your experience, maturity and are general enjoyment of life.
Sexual anthropologist Bella Ellwood-Clayton writes about this in her book Sex Drive and says: “Female desire can be peaking all along, ebbing and flowing throughout the life course.”
– Women24
