Relationship roles are shifting as some modern Black women boldly take traditional marriage customs, like lobola, into their own hands, reports Khwezi Magwaza
Kate Moss did it, Kim Kardashian is rumoured to have done it, and Reese Witherspoon has also been accused of it – buying their own wedding rings. While these international stars may have had the balls to part with their earnings for lavish wedding-day diamonds, such is not the case in Mzansi.
Among South African women, the idea of a woman even paying for her own engagement ring is still a big no-no. I took to Twitter to ask if women should ever pay for the rings or lobola, and within minutes my timeline was filled with raging opinions; either in support of the idea or in fervent disagreement.
“Shame. I knew this one girl who did that. She basically married herself!” retorted one disapproving follower. Yet, beyond the gossiping and Tweeting, modern African women (who are used to buying their own bling anyway) have begun to rear their head in the once male-only custom of lobola – with some contributing or even paying for it themselves.
Either hailed for being empowered or snubbed for seeming desperate and deluded, one can’t deny that there’s been a shift in how we view age-old customs fighting to survive in the modern world.
Paying the way
In 2016, Nontsikelelo* faced a bitter battle between her family and future in-laws over her lobola when she chose to contribute almost half the money needed to conclude the traditional proceedings.
“My uncles are rural and my husband and I are your typical modern couple. We had spoken to my mom about it, and even agreed on a limit upfront because we had a budget. But since she’s a single mother, my uncles from my dad’s side got involved,” she says.
Things soon went pear-shaped but the couple are happy about the decision they made together. Though Nontsikelelo admits some may view it as abnormal, she insists it didn’t affect their relationship adversely.
“Although we didn’t plan it, we already had a joint account for the wedding,” she says.
Nontsikelelo had extra money saved up and transferred it into the joint account. A portion was then used to complete the lobola proceedings.
“He did pay me back though, and with interest,” she laughs, “I’d never reveal it to people for fear of gossip but it meant more to be married to the man of my dreams than to adhere to some custom that didn’t mean much to either one of us.”
Though Nontsikelelo’s situation worked itself out, trying to tailor an age-old cultural practice to modern living doesn’t always breed the desired effect.
“My cousin’s story is heartbreaking,” says Londeka*, who was maid of honour at her recent wedding.
“After dating her boyfriend for two years, he proposed, but when our family asked for R30 000 instead of the R15 000 he expected to pay for lobola, he tried to delay the wedding by a year – but she insisted they go ahead with it. My cousin ended up paying the balance from her own pocket,” she adds.
It was agreed that the husband would repay her in parts. To date she hasn’t seen a cent and the issue continues to bother them.
“Every time they fight she reminds him that he owes her and he tells her that she’s trapped him,” Londeka explains.
What’s your worth?
A U.S. survey by the Pew Research Center recently revealed that women under 30 consistently out-earn young men, while a study from Cornell University claims that men who are financially dependent on their wives are five times more likely to be unfaithful.
So, with more women gaining financial independence, a man’s need to assert himself is increasing. And even as the concept of the male breadwinner is changing, most modern men and women are finding it hard to adapt.
Gender expert Danai Mupotsa, who documented her own wedding process in the series Lobola For My Love, reiterates this view after having written several papers on the role of women in African marriage rituals.
While doing research for her Ph.D, Mupotsa observed that men discreetly meeting to discuss a woman’s value is slowly becoming outdated as more African women demand to be included in practices involving their futures.
“Since the male/female power dynamic is changing, I expect the notion of men being solely responsible for participation in these marriage rituals to also shift,” she adds.
READ MORE | 3 women share their early relationship blunders - 'I only open my purse on my new man’s birthday'
Why he should pay
Pastor Vusimuzi Dube of the Ethekweni Community Church who counsels many couples through the process of marriage, says that women who contribute or pay for lobola can cause damage to the relationship in the long run.
“It can cause a man to be unappreciative. Some feel like they are less of a man or, like their wives, were too desperate to get married,” he adds.
“The custom is a way to show the commitment of a man, and if the amount set is exorbitant, that price has to be negotiated down. Families should never allow negotiations to get to a point where a man is walking away dissatisfied, or a woman is put in a situation where she is assisting with lobola payments,” he says.
Pastor Dube advises couples to sit down with parents well before negotiations start, as a way of building relationships prior to lobola discussions.
“A young man meeting his father-in-law on the day of the lobola has no relationship with that family,” he says.
He sees this as one of the main reasons why some negotiations break down.
“In the past women weren’t allowed to get involved but the times have changed. A woman needs to be upfront with her parents. A high lobola price has often resulted in cohabitation and the birth of children out of wedlock,” says the pastor.
A hard look at lobola
Groom-to-be Sizwe* says he’s pleasantly resigned himself to his fate as far as lobola is concerned. Like most men in love, he’s happy to pay whatever is required but is also in two minds about how much his future wife should contribute.
“I think that if she wants a ring that is ridiculously expensive, she can chip in,” he says.
As for lobola, “The guy should pay as this could cause problems in the long run. Besides, the male ego is very difficult to tame,” he adds.
Even with his outlook, it seems that Sizwe may be part of a diminishing breed of men who are positive about lobola. There’s even a Facebook group called Abolition of Lobola, headed by a disgruntled groom, that showcases the growing frustration of men who see lobola as an excuse to suck potential grooms dry.
Even a 2005 attitudinal survey released by the Human Sciences Research Council revealed that more than 50 percent of African males, aged between 16 and 24, believe that lobola discourages marriage. This seems to be the common opinion among guys.
But, if you’ve managed to land yourself one of the few men who are still willing to show their love the customary way, Sizwe’s advice is to play your part in helping your future husband not get ripped off, but also step aside to let him be the man.
“She should know where her man stands financially and should give her family insight into what’s realistic,” he says.
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