You usually ignore them, but there are some moments where your partner’s behaviour raises your eyebrows. Could he be giving you a heads-up?
We explore various situations you may encounter with your significant other, and a panel of experts decode if these are warning signals you are ignoring at your own peril.
Have a look and decide if you are in the safe zone or should run for your life.
1. A guy who never apologises nor acknowledges his wrongdoing.
“If you are involved with a selfish or self-centred person, then your own needs are never met. A subtle cue about a selfish person is you’ll be sharing about something that’s important to you, but he won’t hear it. He will automatically redirect the conversation back to him – it’s always about him. He will never empathise with or put himself in your shoes, whether you are happy or sad. The effort is one-sided while he expects you to answer to his every whim. Once you want to get a word in or need met, he’ll become moody or explode because it was never about you in the first place!” says NLP Life Coach, Thembi Hama.
2. He isolates and discourages you from seeing your friends.
Clinical psychologist Lwanele Khasu, and founder of Oasis Mental Wellness Hub, says, “Be on high alert if he’s isolating you from the people who are good for you and that you want to spend time with. If it’s for his benefit and not your own good, then he is trying to break you so you become reliant on him. If you were ever to think about leaving, it would be hard because you would have no one to lean on. But, if he sees a blind spot that you can’t see about the people in your life, then it’s worth looking into.”
3. He doesn’t value your opinion on anything. He always makes the plans and prioritises his self-importance. It’s all about his needs.
“Such unhealthy behaviour is the cause of conflict because someone who never admits to being wrong will never hear your viewpoint — it’s not valid to them, because they are right and you are wrong. Secondly, a guy who doesn’t know how to concede that he was wrong will most probably gaslight you. This means that they’ll manipulate you, and make you question your sanity and believe that you’re imagining or exaggerating things,” says Thembi.
4. You’ve been fighting for a while, and he isn’t open to counselling.
And Yet You Married Him author Phindile Yende says, “Black men are often not open to counselling because they see it as a weakness. Unfortunately, we have a culture where men can’t tap into their feelings because it’s seen as being feminine. At first, don’t take it personally, but see it as a red flag if counselling becomes the most obvious way to salvage your relationship, and he’s not willing to try it out. Sadly, by the time you see a marriage counsellor, the breakdown of your relationship has happened because you’ve delayed help for so long.”
5. He isn’t growing — you’re working on yourself and evolving, but he doesn’t seem to care.
“This is tricky because you need to ask yourself if he is not growing or if you are not seeing his growth. At times, you grow so much that you fail to see that the other person has also changed because you want them to be exactly like you. Instead, ask him what his growth goals are, and don’t focus on what you’d like to see in him. A red flag is when all he does is dream about building an empire, but never works towards it,” says Lwanele.
6. You feel the need to be on your best behaviour around him.
Thembi says, “You may never measure up to his expectations. A healthy relationship allows you to let your guard down and feel at home with all your imperfections and flaws. An unhealthy one makes you feel uncomfortable and magnifies your flaws. The relationship serves a purpose in his life, which is why he wants you around. His issues aren’t surface-level – you’ll always have to work hard to make sure that he’s happy.”
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7. He seeks his mother’s approval on everything.
She adds, “You can kiss boundaries and privacy goodbye because his mother will always be involved. You’ll never feel like you have autonomy in your own home. She will always meddle, and your husband will inevitably take her side. The best solution is to be on the mom’s team. If she can see that you’re good for her son and he is well-taken care of, she might back off. Most men won’t confront their mom on your behalf but instead watch you battle it out.”
8. He’s secretive about money issues.
Phindile says, “There may be two things involved. The first could be that you earn more than him. He could be feeling inferior and embarrassed to share because society has labelled men as the provider. Secondly, he could be hiding something — whether it’s spending on other women or supporting extended family. Find a way to communicate because money is one of the top-five causes of divorce.”
9. You’ve never met his friends or family.
“He may be hiding something about his past. Usually when things are going well, he would want to introduce you to his social circle. This could also mean that he’s not sure if your relationship is for the long term. He could also be more invested elsewhere,” Thembi says.
10. Most of your friends feel uneasy around him.
“If they all don’t like him, then it’s a red flag. But, first exercise self-awareness, then think about what it is about him that they’re seeing that you’re not seeing. Be conscious and ask yourself: is this person really good for me? But, keep in mind that some friends might be jealous and not want him around. Have honest conversations with your girls and get to the root of it,” Lwanele advises.
11. He always finds ways to put you down – jokingly or not.
“If he is constantly making passive-aggressive jokes and putting you down, then you should be on your way out. By putting you down, he’s probably looking to validate himself. Sometimes, a guy will keep you around to stroke his own ego. He will want you to be in a space where you are below him.”
12. He becomes aggressive or raises his voice when angry.
“You never know what could happen next — his outbursts could lead to emotional or physical abuse. If you scared, it’s a flag because fear has no place in a relationship.”
13. He’s vindictive, resentful and has a “payback” mentality.
Phindile cautions, “You may not be on the receiving end yet but you’re bound to step on each other’s toes at some point. He’ll do the same to you because he sees nothing wrong with his behaviour. This is also a sign that he’s harbouring anger and resentment. He needs to understand that being vindictive means he’s not moving forward nor has inner peace. A grudge becomes poison to you, not the other person.”
14. He labels all his exes as “crazy”, and takes no responsibility for his role in the breakdown of past relationships.
“That is narcissistic behaviour. You’ll also end up being the crazy ex because he’s never in the wrong. Even when he apologises, it’ll be followed by an excuse, like: “baby, I’m sorry but if you hadn’t…” or “I’m sorry, but I was pushed into a corner”. He’ll make you believe what he says about you. This can lead you to depression because he’s controlling.”
