December can be filled with awkward moments for makotis who have to spend time with their in-laws. Here’s how to navigate this period.
This is a month associated with lovely weather, laughter, flowing drinks, braais, summer hits blaring out of almost every radio in the country, and big bonuses. For some women, however, the festive season means driving to their in-laws, having to drink in secret and working all day to prove their makotiness and impress their in-laws.
Not so fun, right? Here are tips to help you make your makoti vacation less miserable:
1. Speak up when you need rest
By the time December rolls around, most of us are tired but as a makoti you may be expected to do a lot of the housework when visiting your in-laws.
“Negotiate because if you don’t speak up, people will assume that you’re okay,” a Soweto-based counsellor, Dorah Nzimande, says.
“The younger generation has more of a say than we ever did as makotis and I believe they should use those voices. It’s important to make it clear that while you’re okay to help some time, you’re also there on holiday and need to rest,” she says.
Managing those expectations with your in-laws may initially be awkward, but it will be for your benefit.
“It’s only right that your in-laws know that you’re not a workhorse. If they only want someone who can do their chores and are not interested in a real relationship with you, then spend less time with them. You don’t have to be abused and taken advantage of to be a good daughter-in-law,” Nzimande adds.
2. Communicate you strengths and weakness
We all have chores we don’t like doing. For some it’s washing the dishes and for others the thought of cooking a meal for an entire extended family leaves them in a cold sweat. So, how do you tackle this?
“You allow your in-laws to know you better by letting them know what you can and cannot do,” a counsellor at The Family Life Centre’s Coronationville office, Wilma Calvert, says.
“Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves to be seen as women who can do everything – and that’s not necessary. Simply say, ‘I don’t like to cook and I’m not good at it. But I enjoy grocery shopping and washing dishes, so I will do that’,” she advises.
There may be whispers and snide remarks but let’s be honest, you’re not going to be killed by those. Ignore the gossipmongers because they will be talking about your saltless stew if you try to cook for them anyway.
3. Respect how your in-laws view alcohol consumption
There’s nothing better than a mimosa to kick off a sunny brunch but if you’re kotizaring that drink may be a distant dream.
“Drinking emzini will mostly be viewed as disrespect when it’s done by a woman,” Nzimande says.
“It’s not fair but that’s how things are. I’ve seen young makotis drinking in mugs, which I personally think is funny, but I respect the effort to conceal their alcohol consumption. That in itself is a sign of respect. If your in-laws are very conservative and there’s no room for even that, you need to have your husband or partner be the one to come up with a plan that will accommodate both you and his family. Common decency says don’t get drunk but you’re entitled to enjoy yourself,” she adds.
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4. Have lover’s quarrel in private
Your marriage is never more in the spotlight than when you’re surrounded by in-laws. Something that ranks quite high on the list of don’ts is arguing in front of them. Of course, that’s not always easy since you can’t predict what could happen but keeping your cool is key.
“You and your husband need to be clear that your arguments need to happen in private. Fighting in front of family gives them the wrong impression. When people only have a small glimpse into your relationship, even the smallest fight will be taken out of context and the rumour mill thrives on that,” Nzimande says.
It’s important for your husband to also respect that rule and watch how he speaks to you.
5. Open up about your early bird blues
Old-school moms love waking up early and making their presence felt. That is a nightmare for a makoti who likes to start her day after 11:00.
“Again, this is about making your in-laws understand who you are and you understanding who they are. Talk to your mother-in-law about the fact that you hate waking up early and see if some compromise can be reached. If not, does it hurt to wake up early for the three days that you’re there? Probably not. Not everything has to be a fight that you must win. A healthy relationship should be about give and take,” Nzimande concludes.
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