Given up on dating? That is allowed. But, if you’re planning on staying single for life, then here are some tips on being free and independent forever.
1. Stay healthy
If there is one thing you cannot afford as a single woman, it’s being ill in your old age. This is because should you fall ill, you won’t have anyone to depend on. This makes your health your most important asset in a single-for-life plan.
Diane Singh*, 38 years old and single for 15 years, goes for a comprehensive examination every year, including a mammogram and Pap smear.
“I also have a good insurance programme that caters specifically to women,” Diane says. “Many policies don’t cover health issues unique to women, such as cervical or breast cancer. Mine does.”
Having medical aid is probably the least you can do for yourself. After that, schedule annual check-ups. If you plan on staying single, your health really is in your hands.
2. Keep a career plan going
Although this is probably stating the obvious, some people just don’t get the fact that the single life means just that. You won’t be living with your mom, dad, siblings or friends (they’ve got lives of their own, too). You will live single, and for life. The question you have to ask yourself is: how are you supposed to do that if you can’t support yourself, especially when you’re too old to work? This means after your health, your second asset heading into your mid to late-30s will be your career. Your job must feed, clothe and protect you. But, for the single life to be bearable, you need a little extra to make it worthwhile.
In her book Living Alone and Loving It, Barbara Feldon recommends that single-for-life women itemise each expense as a way of keeping track of your spending.
“Since socialising is important to the enjoyment of living alone, factor in restaurants, entertainment expenses and even the wardrobe you might need,” Barbara advises. “List expenses for things that contribute to your growth and happiness – concerts, movies, classes and hobbies.”
Whether you plan on working your way up the corporate ladder or starting your own business, plan it well and do it soon – the older you get, the harder it becomes.
3. Have single-for-life friends
You know how it is – you have friends in school, they grow up, get married and your friendship comes to an abrupt end. Their priorities change. No more late nights or spa retreats. Everything is about their husbands and families So, what is a single woman to do? “I have three friends – we’re all very close, and have sworn to stay single,” says Priscilla Nkosi*, 35.
“We’ve become very important to each other recently because all our siblings are getting married. I guess we’ve figured out that all we’ll have for company in our golden years is each other – we need us.”
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Friends will be your pillars of support when you get lonely, confidantes in times of trouble and celebrants in success. Without a husband or children to do all these things with, you’ll find yourself leading a solitary existence indeed. Make sure you make like-minded friends who are intent on staying single for life, too. Also, try to hook up with at least one like-minded man to keep you sane.
4. Don’t forget to have sex
This is the conundrum, isn’t it? If you really intend on staying single your whole life, who will go down on you when you’re up, and pick you up when you’re down? Robert DeMoss, author of Sex and the Single Person: Dealing Honestly with the Need for Intimacy, theorises that Mother Nature designed the world for procreation, not singlehood. As such, staying single is often easier said than done.
“Being unattached in a world made for couples presents some real challenges – especially when it comes to dealing with our sexuality,” Robert says.
Everything, from societal values to civil law, is generally geared toward people having a partner of some sort. But, that does not have to mean marriage nor needing multiple partners. Dana Crawford*, 43, has had a sexual relationship with the same man for nearly 20 years – he, too, is committed to remaining single for life.
“We’re not a couple, see? We just hook up every now and then. Otherwise, he leads his own life and I lead mine. It is a convenient, but necessary, partnership,” she says.
5. Jump into your passions
We all have passions of some sort – dancing, singing, painting or gardening. Getting married and settling down often means giving up one (or several!) passionate pursuit because of your new-found commitments. Many women have a hard time discovering what their passions are.
But Judy Ford, author of Single: The Art of Being Satisfied, Fulfilled and Independent, reckons that there is plenty for single women to do. The trouble is that most women wait for the right moment to do something, and so wind up waiting their whole lives doing nothing.
“To make anything happen, we have to make the effort, whether it’s planting a garden or meeting a new person,” Judy says. “We have to smile and look interested. We have to get off the couch and get moving. We can make a choice to stay in or go out. We can wait for the right moment or seize the moment and get started.”
So, jump into your passions today. They will feed your emotional being and keep you occupied; as you get better at them, they may even prove to be reliable second sources of income as you grow older and approach retirement.
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6. Beware the gaps
“Gaps” are those awkward moments of inactivity that come upon you out of the blue. You can go for months keeping busy with all kinds of functions, deadlines and travelling. And then, suddenly, nothing. Friends are busy and work slows down. Inevitably, you start feeling horrible about being single, and wonder why God never sent you the right man.
“We’ve all faced empty spaces – perhaps even craved for them – yet when they arrive, which they always do, they’re so unexpected and jarring. It’s in those gaps that we come face to face with our little fears and demons,” Judy says.
The gaps are always plenty to remind you that you’re single and alone. It’s how you handle them that makes the difference. Ford recommends using them for spiritual soul searching, either in meditation or prayer.
7. Adopt a child
Well, not really. But as you grow older, you will feel the need to nurture and care for young kids. It will be very hard to ignore this need, and you will despair for a man to make you pregnant. In order to satisfy these primordial urges to mother, you may need to get close to your siblings’ or friends’ kids.
“I decided that my sister’s firstborn would be the object of my motherly affections years ago,” says Tanya Love*, another sworn single-for-life 37-year-old. “It works perfectly well: I need to mother and my sister needs a babysitter. So, I get to spend time with the boy and fuss over him every now and then while she goes shopping – it’s a win-win situation.”
Of course, you could be among the small minority of women who have not and will probably never hear their biological clock tick. But even so, you should have at least one child in your life who knows and loves you.
Children are the voices of the future and a surprisingly sobering mirror of our past–get to know one child, and they will teach you more about yourself and life than you expect. Besides, you need to put someone’s name in your will, right?
8. Watch your looks
It may sound shallow, but if you look good, you feel good. In the back of your mind you already know that as you grow older, time will wear down your good looks. What are you going to do about the way you feel, then?
There are two kinds of single women – those who look good and those who don’t. If you’ve paid attention to the people you’ve met, you will notice that the pleasant ones always seem to look better without makeup, whereas the crabby ones always have more scowl lines and mascara. Looking and feeling good go hand in hand. “Looking good does not mean being a supermodel … although I’m sure that would help!” jokes Chloe Cole*, a 42-year-old self-image expert. “
Otherwise, maintaining a good skincare regime, having a healthy diet and getting plenty of exercise all contribute to healthier skin, hair and muscle tone. And, if you’ve got those three covered, you cannot help but look – and feel – good.”
There is something to be said about wardrobes, too. Society talks about ageing gracefully and dressing your age. But, if you’re 45 and look 35, then why throw that little black dress away?
“If you look good in it, wear it. If people don’t know your true age, they’ll have nothing to say; and if they do, they’ll be too envious to say anything anyway!” she says.
*Not their real names
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