- Sexually Transmitted Debt is when you inherit your partner’s debt in a relationship.
- Women often find themselves in situations where they have to share debt because they have decided to share their life with someone.
- Alternatively, they find themselves being misled into taking debt in their own name.
Sexually transmitted debt (STD) is when you find yourself being responsible for or having inherited your partner’s financial debt in a relationship or marriage, usually due to a marriage contract, or a spouse being misled to take debt in their own name.
“Who you marry or do life with will determine how financially successful or not, you will become,” reads a quote from personal finance guru and columnist, Mapalo Makhu’s Woman & Finance blog, which educates women on how to take charge of their finances.
It speaks to establishing financial compatibility with a potential partner before committing to a relationship or marriage.
READ MORE | Mapalo Makhu helps us get our money habits right!
According to money coach and bestselling author of Money and Black People: Why Black People Don’t Have Money, How to Heal Your Money Story, Busi Selesho, financial compatibility can be achieved when both partners have worked on their different money trauma stories, and understand their money blueprint.
“It’s about understanding that some people’s money blue print is about preserving money - they save every cent and don’t spend on anything. While other people’s blueprint is about making a lot of money and spending it. When you understand your money blueprint and fix what doesn’t serve you, you can be compatible with another person,” she says.
Ninety percent of marriages end due to money, whether there is more or less of it.
“The money problems include who makes more, who doesn’t make any, how it is spent, who uses money as power and who feels small because of it. Studies show that married women are more broke than single women because of sexually transmitted debt,” Selesho says.
It seem we haven’t yet mastered talking about money in relationships. Among the reasons for this, is a shaming culture around debt that makes people embarrassed to admit that they’re under financial strain. “There’s definitely a stigma on being in debt and not having money. That’s why it’s also very hard for people to look for help,” Selesho says.
READ MORE | What to do when you've been left with the debt of a 'gift'. Legal experts weigh in
Some examples and causes of sexually transmitted debt
- Taking out a loan on behalf of a partner. When a partner can’t get a loan due to a poor credit record, the loan is taken out in the wife’s name.
- Being deceived by a partner to sign as a co-borrower. According to financialfirstaid.org.au, a lender, in many cases, may ask for a second signature for the primary borrower’s loan, to spread the lender’s risk. This can put pressure on the primary borrower to coerce or even trick a partner into signing a loan document as a “witness” when it really means signing as a co-borrower. As a result, a partner can inadvertently become fully responsible for the whole debt if the initiating borrower decides to stop paying the loan.
- Misuse of money. This can include secret purchases by a partner.
- Joint credit card spending without a partner’s consent. The In Community of Property (ICOP) Marriage contract. Discussing sexually transmitted debt and marriage contracts in the My Money, My Lifestyle podcast by City Press personal finance columnists, Makhu and Maya Fisher-French, Makhu highlights how ICOP is the default marriage contract in SA. “It means whatever you have, you split in equal share. It’s called sexually transmitted debt because with ICOP, you also inherit the debt your partner incurred before you got married. This contract has serious consequences when your partner dies or when they take out debt. With ICOP, you are 100% liable for your partner’s debt,” Makhu says.
Protect each other from debt
A marriage contract is the best technical protection. “Aside from the ICOP marriage contract, there’s the Out of Community of Property Without the Accrual System and the Out of Community of Property With the Accrual System marriage contracts,” Makhu says. “Without the Accrual System, is a clean break, because you get married and you own your estate and your partner owns theirs. You deal with your financial lives differently, but still make financial decisions together as a family. With the Accrual System, it means that at the end of the marriage, be it from divorce or death of a partner, whatever assets you started with will be calculated, and whoever has accumulated more over the years, will have to share 50% of what they’ve built up so far,” Makhu explains.
Have an open and honest talk about money. “Discuss what money means to both of you and what your responsibilities will be beforehand, and make sure all parties are comfortable. Start a process for each person to take responsibility for their own money and find a money coach to help,” Selesho adds.
Partners need to both be fully aware of financial matters – reading bank statements and understanding what money is being spent and where. Having just one person in control makes the other partner vulnerable. Both partners should look at all the accounts. Also, don’t sign anything on the spot. “Read contracts carefully and get independent advice before signing anything you don’t fully understand. Make sure joint accounts require both partners to sign for transactions,” Financial First Aid urges.
Acceptance and self-awareness
When a couple has accepted that they are in debt and are collectively ready to deal with the problem, then 70 percent of the work is done because debt is often a symptom of what is going on in the background. Some people go to great lengths – like getting a better paying job – to clear their debt, but still find themselves in debt. In these cases, you may be treating the symptom and not the underlying problem.
I have a six-week course where I help individuals clear their debt vibration, which may be connected to guilt and value. Once you are aware of this, you open yourself up to clearing the recurring energy of debt, allowing for opportunities that get you out of debt.
Pay double to help pay your debt quicker
Write down all your debt on a spreadsheet, from the smallest to the largest. Record the total amount of the debt owed, calculate what needs to be paid every month, and pay double the amount. You’ll be able to pay off your debt quickly and pay less interest. Take your savings and double up on your debt payment.
Ask for a raise or promotion
Some people find that they’re paid less than they should be. Ask for a raise if it’s warranted.
Don't miss our top stories, sign up to the TRUELOVE newsletters now!
