5 break free from being a black sheep plus how to move on without family

Labels on the clothes we wear and handbags we carry may be a sign of opulence but, on people, they often have the potential to wreak havoc and unleash lifelong family feuds, particularly when they are meant to demean and belittle you.

One such label is that of being regarded as the ‘black sheep’ of the family. The connotations associated with this label, such as being the odd one out, disfavoured or an outcast, are among the reasons that shedding this identity may be challenging.

1. The black sheep succeeds

Vanencia Khumalo (31), from Vereeniging, knows this all too well, as she’s had to work through lifelong struggles to finally accept herself after years of belonging to a family that was treated as the black sheep.

The recently qualified nurse says that when her mother got divorced and then married a financially unstable man, it set her immediate family on a path of being rejected, ridiculed, and denied any support from the majority of their relatives.

Vanencia was taken in by her uncle, who took her to school, but when she came out as lesbian when she was in high school, it cast yet another shadow on her already fragile position among her relatives.

The use of alcohol, and general lawlessness on her part as she navigated her adolescent years, unguided, further aggravated the negative view that was cast on her and her family. It took years of hard work on her part, and the fortune to find a job where she has colleagues who treat her like family, and a company scholarship to study nursing, for Vanencia to finally start rebuilding her image.

2. The psychological effects

There are many others like Vanencia, who’ve been ostracised for reasons such as teen pregnancy, being the victim of sexual abuse perpetrated by another family member, alcohol abuse, past criminal activity or going to jail, an inability to complete school or even having darker skin than the rest of the family.

And, although the causes are different for everyone, the emotional toll of continually being degraded is harsh.

Counselling psychologist, lecturer and PhD candidate, Tebello Mabusela, explains that, among the many psychological and emotional needs that humans have, is an atmosphere of affection and nurturing, which has to be created during childhood by families and community members.

“If families (and communities) start to show favouritism, unfairness and alienation against you, mental health issues such as anxiety and depression will surface due to this kind of deprivation. They are unavoidable and will impact on your functioning and identity formation.”

3. Generational conflict

Paula Quinsee, a relationship expert, international speaker and author of Embracing Conflict and Embracing No, agrees.

“These types of family dynamics or family feuds can leave deep emotional wounds and contribute to a sense of low self-worth, self-esteem and seeking validation, support and belonging elsewhere,” she says.

Despite this, Quinsee concedes that almost every family has a family member who unconsciously feels like an outsider or is ostracised. These divisions are often passed down the generations by older family members. This dynamic presents difficulty Paula says.

“It can be difficult to achieve mutual understanding as the older members are possibly set in their ways and are holding onto grudges that younger family members no longer subscribe to.”

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4. Not impossible to heal a rift

Often, younger generations can be acatalyst for bringing families together again. Registered counsellor, Phumzile Ndlovu, says when deciding whether to reconcile, you should bear in mind that sometimes people don’t know they have hurt you until you confront them about the pain they’ve put you through.

“Letting someone know can be a building block to help you with the forgiveness and healing process,” she says, adding that the gesture may even help start the journey to healing differences caused by older family members.

“The family can reunite if that member of the family opens the channel of communication and addresses the elephant in the room, accepting they have made a mistake and asking for forgiveness, and continuously working on rebuilding the relationship.”

5. Moving on

But what happens if all attempts to achieve unity and shed the black sheep label fail? How do you treat the family members who treated you as an outcast? Mabusela says in such a case, avoiding the situation may be tempting, “however, this will eventually become detrimental to the way you manage and cope with future difficulties.”

She suggests that you should have those difficult, courageous conversations with your family and let them know how you feel.

“Put aside your differences and deal with the situation at hand. This does not mean your emotions and subjective experiences are not valid or important; it means that for effective communication to happen, and for an understanding to be reached, you will need to let down your defences for a moment,” she concludes.