A fatherless home is a common sight in South Africa. But that does not mean the institution should be dismissed.
Far from it, says Patrick Neo Mabiletsa who has written two books about on the subject, Chronicles of a Fatherless Son and Chronicles of a Fatherless Husband.
His research found that about 60% of households in South Africa are fatherless and another 20% have fathers who merely supply food and clothing but are not emotionally present.
Patrick (39) writes from his own experience. He grew up without a father but he did have an older brother.
“I always say that if my older brother was not around, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I felt exposed to a lot of things too early. I learnt a lot of things from my brother but some, in fact most of them, were wrong. I lacked guidance from a man, from my father,” he says.
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“I decided to write the books to show the depth of the pain children who are fatherless go through in this country, and in fact in Africa as a whole. As a boy who grew up not knowing his father, I knew the pain and I understood the fear of neglect and the constant questions I had to answer from friends and some adults about where or who my father was.
"Sometimes I would feel shame and when I got home, I asked my mother, 'Mom, who is my dad?' This was a regular question that was never answered.
“I decided to write the books based on my own fatherless experiences and everything that goes on in the mind of a fatherless child – the torture, the never ending thoughts. I thought I was losing my mind but I did not realise at the time I was being inspired to help channel discussions to fathers and also to single mothers,” he says.
Patrick believes a father's most important role is mentorship. He says he's seen boys who were raised by present fathers do so well in life, in sports, academics, and in their careers.
He knows there's no guarantee that if the father is present, the kid will bloom. But he says having a father around definitely helps with balance and upbringing.
“It adds stability, it adds confidence in the kids, and most importantly, it takes away the anger of having to deal with absent fathers. It also helps build a generation of present fathers because if your father was in your life, it will be the life you are used to and you will continue with that life.
"The potency of the relationships fathers have with their sons, with all their children, can decide how their future will pan out. Even though there are no guarantees, they are at least given a head start."
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Father’s Day is supposed to be a time to buy him a gift, visit home, cook him lunch, and just relax and listen to his old stories. But for too many, it is a reminder of how their father has failed them.
However, Patrick is optimistic. He says it's also an opportunity for every father who has left his children to go back and seek peace. There's no need to wait until you're on your deathbed to reconcile with your kids, he insists.
“It is time to bring back that family bond that kids crave all their lives. One thing is for sure, no matter how old a child is, they still need a father. There's still a void and it can be felt by every individual, regardless of their age.”
In the past, Patrick says our country's system was designed to separate a father from his family. However, the new generation is aware of the pain of being fatherless and they can make a change by being present and available to their loved ones.
