Bright floral colours, loud belly laughs and being out till late.
That was the order of the day as Dr Mmasechaba Shai, the wife of the late actor Patrick Shai, launched her Widow’s Club.
Her pain of losing her husband led her down this road. Seasoned actor Patrick Shai (65) took his own life by hanging himself at their Johannesburg home.
Mmasechaba (57) was the one that found her husband hanging in their garage, leaning against her car.
Yet after 40 years of being together, there were people who told her she could not speak at her own husband’s memorial.
“If he can wake up and go again, I’ll polish my speech and speak again,” she said at the launch of Widow’s Club at Castle Kyalami.
Ntwana, as she affectionately called him, died in January and her life changed in ways she could have never expected.
“I loved him when he made me angry and when he irritated me. I loved him through everything. Widows need a support group.”
Read more | Mmasechaba Shai, actor Patrick Shai's widow, is starting a foundation to help widows find their voices
Following his death, suddenly she had to wear black all the time, she could not smile – let alone laugh out loud, she could not be out after sundown.
Society started to treat her differently, she learnt that people did not want to sit next widows clad in black clothes and a cape on a plane, people do not want to take money directly out of a widow’s hand, they expect the widow to put the money down and they will pick it up and in a taxi, widows are expected to sit in the back seat where no one else will see them.
These were some of the stories being relayed to her.
She says before her husband died, she had heard of the ill-treatment women receive once their husbands die, but she did not fully comprehend the extent.
“Women were losing their homes because suddenly in-laws felt entitled.”
“This is not about Ntwana, it is about you, the widows who do not have voices. I want you to stand up for yourselves. So sad that the wives are seen as the killers and families just think of money when someone dies.
“Widows get isolated. But now we want each region to have a Widow's Club. We are going to be happy as single as we are.
“This is not a club of how to kill your husbands. It's about women empowerment. I want women to say we are going to raise our kids with pride. You cannot walk this journey without being helped. You and your children need to go for counseling. Let's make sure this movement grows and spreads. We must not be marginalized. Let's us be the support system that we wish we had when had just lost our husbands.”
She says she had so many questions when her husband died.
“But there's no answer, so we just live with the mantra ‘let your will be done.’”
The couple have three children and three grandchildren.
At the launch, the widows also received legal advice from Nthabiseng Dubazana who advised women about their rights, the importance of wills and winding up of an estate.
Radio host Nestum and her DJ husband Bilal Petersen shared their story on the importance of having hard conversations.
“He is my everything.”
“I rely on him for everything and he always says I need to learn to do things for myself when he passes and that is not an easy conversation to have."
Widows also shared their stories of trauma and grief.
Read more | 'He was a selfless human being' - Family and friends pay tribute to actor Patrick Shai
One such woman was Fungi Tshabalala who explained how tough it was taking care of her husband when he was sick and dying.
There was not a single dry eye in the room where she told her story of how she nursed her husband with Alzheimer’s and her mother with dementia. Her sister, who spoke at her husband’s funeral, died 10 days later. Then seven months later her mother died.
“There are changes that happen in your life as a family and you grieve, even while your husband is still alive. It all affects the children in ways you can imagine and there are things they say to you because they can see what you are going through.
“I was fortunate that my in-laws were with me every step of the way. You learn to live with the pain, you do not forget dates like birthdays and anniversaries, and they remind you of your loss.”
Her daughter, Thuthu, also shared how she struggled with her father’s death in 2020.
“I was in a psychiatric hospital and when I was discharged, I found out that my father had died. I was a daddy’s girl and losing him was painful. I spiraled out of control.”
She was overwhelmed with emotion and could not continue with the rest of her speech.
