It's literally the worst time of her life. Her husband, who was her lover and friend for 40 years has done the unthinkable, he's taken his own life.
But instead of focusing on grieving and ultimately healing, she finds herself having to defend herself.
Dr Mmasechaba Shai opens up about struggling with the stigma of being a widow, which gave birth to a foundation she's starting, called Widows' Club.
It hasn't even been a year since her beloved died, but she has already dealt with a lot.
"There were so many rules which I was told to follow. I couldn't talk loudly, I couldn't smile or laugh in public because the assumption was that I killed him. I couldn't use his car because it was said I killed him for his assets. I couldn't come home later than 6pm. I had to wear black mourner's clothes for a year, and I had to drink a mixture that is said to cleanse me of his blood or hormones inside me so that I do not pass it on to anyone else.
"I felt like all these rules were ridiculous. Men are not subjected to this kind of treatment. They're able to move on however they see fit when their wives have died. When we were preparing for the memorial service and funeral, I was using one of his cards to pay for things and one of his sisters said her brother's money was being finished."
Read more | Hlomla Dandala on Patrick Shai’s death - ‘Cancel culture killed him’
She had a previously had a good relationship with her in-laws, but she says she has not heard from them since the Sunday after the funeral in January.
"One of his relatives sent me a message around July or August, asking how I am. I mean it's been months, I didn't even know how to respond because a lot has happened, so I didn't reply."
All the while, she says, she is also dealing with public scrutiny even from his fans.
"I had heard stories before about how widows are treated, some even being kicked out of their homes by in-laws but experiencing this kind of thing is something else.
"I haven't had time to grieve. I have been with this man since I was 17 years old and suddenly complete strangers were telling me I had no right to speak at his memorial. He was my best friend and immediately after he died, I had to be strong for my children.
“I found him hanging in our garage and called out to our eldest son who was home. He was the one that took his father down. It has really been a traumatic time for my family.”
At the time of his death, actor Patrick Shai was embroiled in a social media spat following a video he made talking about rapper Cassper Nyovest, real name Refiloe Phoolo, and his mom.
The Friday night before he died, he and his wife were talking about the video, and he was apologizing to her for it. At the time, she was still studying towards her PhD, and she had some work to focus on it.
“We spoke about the video and I told him I accepted his apology and that I just needed to buckle down for a few hours to work. Then on Saturday morning he woke me up and he said ‘ey Ntwana I’m sorry’ and I told him it was okay because we had spoken about it at length the previous night.
“I then pulled the blankets and went back to sleep. He walked out of the room. About an hour later I woke up and took a bath. When I got out of our room I went to the kitchen, and I was shocked to find the kettle cold, and I was trying to figure out where he was. I assumed he was outside but when I checked he wasn’t there. Then I thought of the garage. When I got there, he was near my car and I was wondering what he was standing there for. At the time, death did not even cross my mind.”
Read more | ‘It is like an internal wound’ – psychologist explains depression as fans grapple with Riky’s death
She then realized that he had hung himself and she called out to their son. And so, it all began to unravel. She never suspected that her husband was suicidal.
“My son was the one that took his father down and I had to move my car slowly so that I would not bump him.”
Since his death, she hasn't been able to sleep in their bed. She sleeps on the floor in her daughter's room or on the floor in the lounge. He route to works goes by the cemetery where he is buried and often she goes in on her way to work or on her way back.
"I also don't know why I prefer sleeping on the floor."
Now the Widows' Club is meant to empower widows.
“Some of them don’t know their rights and so I want to help in whatever way people. They need to feel that even if they are neglected by their in-laws, they are not alone. We are going to launch the foundation in December. I am not well known but I want to take advantage of the fact that I am the widow of a famous man, if that can help, so that I can give a voice to women who do not have it, then I take up the challenge 100%.”
