The 3 phases of long-term relationships

First comes the intense attraction – you cannot keep your hands off each other and could make out all day and all night.

“Where are we going?” is the next question before making huge life commitments jointly, such as buying a house, having children or getting married.

As the months or years go by, a certain lethargy sets in. Sometimes even resentment as the tenderness you used to share is replaced by complaints about chores, childcare, your partner’s annoying habits. But it’s simply unrealistic to expect a relationship to always be heated by magical sexual chemistry, say experts. 

1) NO WAITING AROUND

One theory is that working longer hours means that we have less time and energy for intimacy, and with 24- hour TV and internet access, we also have many more distractions.

Expecting to keep up a wild and intensely passionate sex life in a long-term relationship is unrealistic, says Quilliam. 

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“The relationship begins with all the excitement of a first love. But later on, the fires die down and you will have to rely on being compatible as partners.”

Long-term relationships go through three distinct phases, says couple counsellor Denise Pickup. “The initial attraction phase is followed by the child-rearing phase and then the companionship phase. The three roles are so different that they require what are essentially three different marriages.”

And while many relationships manage to adapt, that’s only possible if both partners are prepared to change.  

2) NO LONGER A STIGMA

While it’s true that divorce no longer has the stigma of bygone years, for most of us, the end of a relationship can still feel like failure.

“And don’t underestimate the financial impact,” says counsellor Francine Kaye, author of The Divorce Doctor.

One reason celebrities make such seamless transitions between relationships is that they don’t have normal financial constraints. Local power couple Carol Tshabalala and Solomon Manana moved on very quickly after breaking up.

But without an A-list salary, separation can render the average couple poor.

The first step is working out if your relationship really is the cause of your unhappiness.

“After they separate, people can be shocked to find that they aren’t any happier,” says Hall.

“In some cases, they take the unhappiness with them, because it was inside them all the time and they just projected it onto their partner. A new partner may distract you for a while, but the issues will emerge again.”

Try an experiment for a week where you give your partner the attention you’d give to a new man, then see what happens to the relationship, suggests Quilliam. 

“Increase eye contact. It’s simple, but makes a huge difference. Most long-term couples don’t have a lot of eye contact, so at least three times a day, try to really look at each other,” she says.

And follow the 5:1 rule. It’s been called the ‘magic ratio’ and research shows that couples who make on average five positive comments to every negative comment have the happiest marriages.

3) ANOTHER SIMPLE STRATEGY

Think about how you welcome your partner when they get back home after a hard day at work.

“The tone of your evening is set in the first four minutes that you spend together,” says Quilliam.

“When you hear your partner’s key in the door, get up to greet [them]. Welcome [them] with a big hug and a smile. It’s a small thing, but [they will] instantly get the message that you’re pleased to see [them].”

If you’re craving excitement or the feeling of being alive, Quilliam suggests finding new ways to venture out of your comfort zone – do something you both enjoy.

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Handled carefully, experts agree that a midlife relationship crisis can ultimately strengthen your relationship. “It can be like a reunion, bringing you back together and rediscovering the closeness you once had,” says Pickup.

“Work through it and you can end up with a more rewarding and loving partnership than before.”