Often, when someone loses a parent or a relative, close friends gather around them to be the much-needed support system in the time of grief.
From going to house to clean before guests arrive, cooking, driving elders around during the funeral preparations to just being there as an extra pair of hands.
But what happens now as people have moved to work in big cities?
Drum speaks to experts who unpack different ways you can still support a friend, while being in a different province.
Clinical psychologist in private practice Zintle Nobangule says being support to someone is not limited to physical presence.
“What is important to the bereaved person is for them to know that they are not alone. They may have lost someone they loved dearly, but there are still people who still care about them and their wellbeing. No one can fill the void left by the person who died, but people still need to show up.
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“Phone calls and messages go a long way when you one to show support to a friend. If they do not answer your call, you must not be offended. They may be busy. Simply send them a message and say what you would have said if you had spoken to them over the phone. Don’t make message about yourself and how you could not reach them. Just show the person love and remind them that you may be far, but they are still in your thoughts. All that you are conveying as a friend is that you sympathise with the person, and they must know you are there for them.”
If your friend is travelling home from a big city and you can’t go with them, support them in practical ways, Nobangule says.
“If you have money, help them with fuel money if they are driving. Or money towards toll gates or uber them or drive them to the airport if they are flying. When they return, you can cook and send over a meal or invite them over to your place for supper. You do not need to do that over and over again, but even doing it once makes a difference in the person’s life.”
Unisa’s Dr Joshua Ndlela, a student counsellor and psychologist in private practice says Covid-19 was a real eye opener to people about doing things virtually.
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“Covid taught us about attending memorial and funeral services online and that on its own is a way of showing your support to your friend in their time of grief.
“Your friend may be experiencing complex emotions, that they may not even be able to share with you. This could be about the last conversation they had with the deceased or how their relationship was towards the end. Your job as a friend is not to try and invalidate them. You must be an ear and shoulder when they need to cry.
“If you are unable to attend the funeral, do not just assume your friend knows you cannot go. Pick up the phone and explain why you cannot make it.
“That phone call explaining ‘why’ can be the difference between your friend thinking you just do not care and then understanding that if you could, you would be there for them physically. Thereafter you can send periodical messages, checking up on them and sharing words of comfort.'
