A person goes through a number of life changes over the years, and their body isn’t spared.
You probably don’t look like you did 10 years ago, or before you had kids. Or you might have been through a traumatic experience that makes you look at your body and sex differently.
UNDERSTAND YOUR NEW BODY
You might dread intimacy because you’ve allowed changes in your life to influence how you look at yourself. It’s normal, experts say. Confidence and comfort are key to intimacy.
Hormones fluctuate and change a lot during pregnancy, says Dr Lerato Masemola, a general practitioner in Johannesburg.
"It sometimes takes a while for the hormones to settle and go back to normal," she says. "And sometimes they may not, and a woman is left feeling like she has a body she doesn’t understand.”
Dr Lerato says many women gain weight as a result of pregnancy and it's often difficult to lose.
“This can affect women's self-esteem, making them suddenly shy in the bedroom as they no longer find themselves attractive.”
Childbirth complications may also leave women uncomfortable due to symptoms like vaginal dryness and an abnormal discharge.
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Some may get turned off when their partner touches a part of their body they consider to be less attractive.
FACING TRAUMA
Trauma experienced in childhood or in an abusive relationship may cause women to have a reduced desire for sex as well.
Nthabiseng Madikgetla, a social worker based in Benoni, says rape survivors may become overly vulnerable in future relationships.
“They may struggle to stay in a long-term relationship because they are always on guard, and in their mind they're trying to protect themselves and prevent rape from happening again.
“They look at their partner and think that they are also capable of hurting them, and as a result they may cave in.”
HEAL YOUR WOUNDS
Nthabiseng says it's important to resolve all the emotional and psychological wounds caused by any trauma.
“If not correctly dealt with, the trauma may lead to mental illness or substance dependency.”
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She advises that you give yourself enough time to fully heal and deal with the past. She says you must allow yourself to go through this process before building new relationships, especially intimate ones.
SPEAK TO THE PROS
It’s important to get professional help before opening yourself to the world of dating again.
Counselling sessions will help you deal with the trauma and move past the negative perception you might have developed about sex and intimacy as a result of rape, Nthabiseng says.
If you've tried to get back to your normal life but are having difficulty, counselling may be helpful, especially if you're feeling anxious, unhappy, or unfulfilled after you've experienced trauma in your life.
She says it's best to contact a trained counsellor, social worker, therapist or church counsellor who can help you develop skills to improve your life and relationships so you can be empowered to live life fully.
Important contacts numbers:
Lifeline: 0861 322 322
TEARS: *134*7355#
Suicide crisis: 0800 567 567
*This article was originally published in the print version of Move magazine on 19 June 2019.
