It’s meant to be a refuge, a place of sleep, harmony and intimacy, but for many long-term couples their bed has become a battleground.
Snoring, tossing and turning, insomnia, blanket hogging and body heat spell doom for a good night’s sleep.
"Quality sleep allows restoration to occur during the night so that we wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day. If we get good sleep our mood is better regulated, we can focus on work, and we have more tolerance and patience for our partners, children and other people we interact with during our day," Dr Alison Bentley, a Restonic Sleep Expert tells Drum.
"It is never good when people have not slept well, have battled to get their work done and then their partner insists that they care about them when they get home and are too exhausted to even care about themselves. This is particularly important when the poor sleep is caused by the partner or perceived to be caused by the partner. Then the resentment about their poor daytime function gets turned on to the partner damaging the relationship"
A recent Australian study shows more and more people are opting for a “sleep divorce” to get enough rest.
At least 200 000 Australian couples not only sleep in separate beds but in different bedrooms, the study found. Research conducted in the USA had similar findings: up to 25% of couples sleep apart and the home-construction industry recently reported a surge in requests for two separate master bedrooms in new homes.
Pietermaritzburg couple Sandra* (43) and Mike* (45) told Drum they are seriously considering a sleep divorce.
“I snore, I’m restless, I make noises in my sleep,” explains Dr Bentley.
“Sometimes I even wake myself up. Mike battles to sleep and I know it irritates him. In the morning he’ll ask, ‘Why were you so restless last night?’ I feel really bad because he’s exhausted.”
- HOW CAN A COUPLE IMPROVE THEIR SLEEP?
"Talk about the needs and allow each partner to sleep at their best time and for their amount. It is important to understand that the length of sleep may change over time.
"So a couple who went to bed together when they first go together may find decades later that they cannot do that. There are treatments for all sleep disorders including snoring so if one partner has problems like that they need to accept that they are a problem and seek some advice about a solution.
"The partner with insomnia and difficulty sleeping - likewise. Don’t just blame the snorer when you couldn’t sleep well even if they weren’t there."
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- WHAT IS THE IMPORTANCE OF FOCUSING EFFORTS ON QUALITY SLEEP AS A COUPLE?
"Different problems [arise] with different sleep disorders," says Dr Bentley.
"The problems with snoring are easy to understand. There is a loud noise next to you when sleeping. Some people can sleep fine with a snorer but other people can’t. They may be sensitive to noise specifically or their sleep may not be easy and the snoring turns that into a full sleep problem.
"People who have insomnia are often very sensitive to noise and snoring is one of the worst. It’s even worse if the partner has apnea because the noise is irregular as they struggle to move air and are often very restless when the apnea ends with a snort and jerk of the body."
A simpler challenge is the genetic requirements of each sleeper. The length of time you need to sleep and the time of night that suits you best are not easily changed. If one partner is programmed to get 5 hours of sleep but their partner needs 8 there is obviously a mismatch. If one partner needs to sleep at 9 pm and is up at 5 all chirpy at 5 wanting to go to gym that is not going to match well with a night owl who only goes to sleep at 12 but prefers to sleep in until 7. The lark cannot suddenly turn themselves into a night owl or vice versa."
- IS SNORING EVER NORMAL?
Snoring is never normal, according to Dr Bentley. “Snoring indicates that there is some obstruction to normal breathing that only occurs during sleep,” the Restonic sleep expert explains.
“The obstruction causes turbulence in the airflow and vibration of the palate or the small tongue at the back of the mouth (the uvula). That vibration, plus a slightly open mouth, produces the noise we call snoring. The obstruction can be anywhere in the nose or throat area.”
- THE MANY REASONS FOR SNORING
There are several factors that may be involved in snoring, says Dr Bentley. For example, growing older increases one’s likelihood of snoring as the lining of the throat becomes “floppier”.
She says the number of people who snore increases after 40 years old in men and over 50 years old in women (in this latter group due to menopause).
Other factors often involved in snoring are: nasal, palate and throat obstruction, the jaw and tongue, weight gain and reflux of acid from the stomach.
- Nose, palate and throat issues
“Many people who snore have a problem with a blockage in their nose, which could be due to a deviated septum, a general irritation causing a swollen lining of the nose, polyps or enlarged adenoids,” says Dr Bentley. “Some of these conditions may need surgery, while others can be treated with appropriate nasal sprays, which may need to be used long-term.”
- Throat obstruction
Another major cause of snoring is a throat obstruction, which is often caused by tonsils.
“These are no longer routinely taken out in early childhood, so many more children grow up with their tonsils,” says Dr Bentley.
“If the tonsils become enlarged, they can swivel back during sleep to cause an obstruction. In children, snoring is never normal and removal of the tonsils and adenoids resolves the snoring in 95% of children.”
Because the end of the palate is generally the structure producing the snoring noise, Dr Bentley says there is sometimes a tendency to want to surgically remove it.
“Although this can reduce the noise itself, the surgery needs to be undertaken with caution,” she advises. “The palate is responsible for some very important functions, such as closing off the back of the nose during swallowing and creating our unique speech. Surgery may interfere with these normal and useful functions.”
- The role of the jaw and tongue
“The jaw and the tongue become important factors in snoring especially when sufferers lie on their back,” explains Dr Bentley.
“In that position, gravity moves the jaw back, narrowing the airway. This type of obstruction can be managed by preventing the sleeper from lying on their back (such as a creating a pocket in the pyjama top / t-shirt between the shoulder blades and inserting a small ball in there) or using a snore mouthpiece to stabilise the jaw.”
- Your bed
Your bed could also be making your snoring worse. If your mattress (and / or your pillow) doesn’t offer the correct spinal support, it affects the angle of your head, neck, and airway, which can increase the likelihood of snoring.
- Weight and snoring
“Weight gain is often a cause of snoring, especially in men, who are prone to putting on weight around the neck and chest area,” says Dr Bentley.
“Extra weight in these areas directly narrows the airway making it harder to breathe in. Losing even a few kilograms can help to reduce snoring.”
- Acid reflux
An often-ignored cause of snoring is reflux of stomach contents.
“These make their way up into the back of the throat causing swelling of the back of the tongue. During the day, gravity keeps the contents of the stomach in place, but lying down removes that force (particularly after a large meal close to bedtime or after eating spicy foods).
Moving the evening meal to at least three hours before bedtime and possibly taking a small dose of antacid before going to sleep may reduce snoring caused by reflux,” suggests Dr Bentley.
- WHEN TO BE CONCERNED
“In many cases snoring may be just noise pollution, but when discussing snoring it is important to remember that it may be a sign of something more sinister, such as obstructive sleep apnoea,” Dr Bentley cautions. This is when your upper airway partially or totally collapses, affecting your ability to breathe and to get enough oxygen.
“If your snoring is associated with daytime tiredness, catches or pauses in the breathing at night or high blood pressure, you should speak to your doctor about possible apnoea. This is a serious medical disorder that can cause long-term medical problems and requires professional treatment.”
- BEDTIME BLUES
We asked local experts to weigh up the pros and cons of a sleep divorce.
Zulumathabo Zulu, a relationship expert from Sandton says sleeping apart can actually save a marriage. “Sleep deprivation can introduce a lot of stress into a relationship,” he says.
“Couples may think they’re doing the best thing they can by staying in the same bed but it could be having the opposite effect.”
Speaking openly is important because it delves into the realness of relationships, says clinical sexologist Dr Marlene Wasserman, better known as Dr Eve.
“Although it’s far more common than we think, there’s still a sense of shame and secrecy around sleeping apart because of the norms we apply to romantic relationships.”
Acknowledging you want to have separate bedrooms is brave, she adds. “Although it’s the common term used to describe separate sleeping arrangements, ‘sleep divorce’ sounds quite negative – there’s nothing negative about prioritising sleep.
“Sleep is as important as nutrition and exercise. If we don’t sleep, we’re grumpy, and it’s going to have an impact on intimacy. We need to break down this model that says separate bedrooms is a symptom of a lack of love or intimacy.”
- THE SEX ISSUE
Sharing a bed doesn’t necessarily meam more or better sex. “Let’s be realistic,” Wasserman says. “If a couple isn’t happy, it doesn’t make any difference if they sleep in the same bed or not.”
In fact, she says, a separate arrangement can bring in what most people crave in a relationship: surprise, novelty and spontaneity. “A couple’s sex life can actually become more refreshing as they have to negotiate how they’re going to be intimate and become creative.”
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There are, she says, also advantages to staying put. “When two people share a bed and their bodies touch – not just sexually – a hormone called vasopressin is released. It makes people feel closer to each other.” This is something that sleep divorcees lose out on, Wasserman says, but acknowledges it might be a small price to pay for a good night’s rest.
- NO QUICK FIX
While a sleep divorce can help alleviate sleep problems it won’t solve issues overnight, according to Cape Town neuropsychologist and sleep scientist Mariza van Wyk.
“Most people who experience disruptions from sharing a bed with their partner have pre-existing sleep disruptions or disorders. Their symptoms tend to be aggravated when sharing a bed,” she says.
“The most common complaints from patients include snoring and restlessness, but another often unrecognised problem can be a sense of frustration their partner sleeps through the night while they toss and turn.
“The main aim should still be to treat the underlying sleep disruptions or disorders.”
Speak to your doctor if you’re experiencing frequent patterns of insomnia.
*Names withheld at the couple's request
