Secrets like infidelity, money issues, connecting with an ex-lover and having secret kids outside of your relationship can cause damage that leads to break-ups.
According to marriage counsellor Pastor Agnes Maphumulo, it’s a bad idea for lovers or spouses to have secrets as they eventually come out.
Said the pastor: “I’ve never heard of someone who is a good liar.
A relationship that’s built on secrets isn’t a good one because one partner is free and the other isn’t.
“It’s wise to communicate everything with your partner and let them decide if they want to forgive you because a secret that’s kept for a long time doesn’t come out well.”
The pastor said she had wit-nessed relationships fall apart because one partner had taken it upon themselves to decide to withhold certain things about themselves.
“I’ve seen that men aren’t good at keeping secrets, especially one that will affect their rela-tionship,” the counsellor said.
“I’d advise people not to keep secrets from each other, no matter how little you think they are. They might have a great impact on your partner.
“That’s where the huge problem begins: you ruin the trust your partner has for you – communication is a key to a healthy union.”
Phindile Vilakazi (not her real name) said she started noticing something wrong with her partner.
“I fell in love with an honest and outspoken man. If there was something wrong, I’d tell him because of the way he would react when we were chilling,” Phindile said.
“But I began asking myself what was happening with him and whether to confront him, or not.”
She said it wasn’t okay to harbour secrets because one ended up being paranoid.
“Fortunately for me, my instincts were right. I found out that he was telling another woman to get rid of their baby,” she said.
“The lady was a month pregnant, and he accused her of trying to force him to be a father.
“He was upset because he said they often used morning-after pills and wasn’t sure how the woman fell pregnant. I froze: everything in me went cold because I couldn’t have children after my two miscarriages.
“We were talking about adopting a child and now I’m not sure I want to do it.”
Phindile said she had to seek professional help, as she was now blaming him for every wrong that was happening in her life.
Insisted Phindile: “The best thing I ever did was get divorced and start over. It’s not easy to leave the person you’ve loved for many years. But I’m thankful that I loved him and wasn’t the one whoruined the relationship.
“Now, I can move on knowing I did no wrong.”
When you think of secrets, only men come to mind.
But S’bongiseni Ndlovu was shocked to find out his girlfriend of five years had an addiction problem. Pondered S’bongiseni: “It was heartbreaking when I found her doing her thing in our bedroom, which was the first time for me.
“I was so shocked, but it made sense to me why she acted the way she sometimes did. She would start fights, so she could storm out.
“When she came back, she’d act like everything was normal, and we would continue as if nothing happened.”
S’bongiseni said his girlfriend would lie and steal from him. He didn’t understand why she’d do that.
Relationship expert Karabo Libate said secrets ranged from past relationships with unfinished business to addictions, social media flirting, wealth, aspirations and family life.
“We need to understand the reasons behind these secrets. It could be that your partner isn’t comfortable in the relationship enough to divulge information that might force you to see them in a different light,” Karabo said.
“In a situation like this, it’s important for the other member in the relationship to create an environment of safety in the relationship.
“Make time for uncomfortable conversations and open up as much as you want the other person to.”
She told SunBuzz there were instances when a person kept secrets for selfish reasons.
“Such is a person who, for example, hides their wife from you just to keep you as a girlfriend and doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Therefore, leave such people first chance you get.
