6 months ago
SISTAS, DON’T THINK TWICE, GO FOR THE JUGULAR!
South African journalist and television presenter Kuli Roberts. Photo: Gallo Images/The times/Daniel Born  ~ 

MY FRIEND kept boring me about how angry her husband was.

Apparently, after years of turning a blind eye to his philandering ways, she decided to go for the jugular and cheated with his brother.

She was caught!

But unfortunately, I can’t be bogged down with this drama.

Nope! You see, I’m at the glorious Victoria Falls in Zimbabwe – which can only ever be aptly referred to as “heaven on earth”.

And there are delicious dark-skinned men everywhere the eye cares to look.

They are neither huge like some West Africans, nor small as those of the Chinese variety.

The first Zimbabwean gentleman I came across in this heaven was an accommodating, mild-tempered immigrations officer (usually, they treat you as if you’re entering the country to loiter).

Once in Germany in 1992, one side-eyed me and asked if I was going there for business or pleasure.

I digress.

Back to the relaxed reality of being surrounded by men named Polite, Blessed, Smart, Abiat, Shamiso and Kindness.

Now, as corny as their names may seem back in Mzansi, in this tranquil setting, they are perfect.

Besides, one hopes Zimbabwean men are more polite, peaceful, blessed and smarter than the ones back home, who behave like wild animals on Tik.

And as far as my getaway, I’m nestled between the Zambezi River and bliss – far away from corruption, secret ballots, ritual killings, home invasions and hijackings.

I wake up daily walking barefoot on moist fresh grass, trying to avoid stepping on hippo dung.

And this is absolute bliss!

The other awesome aspect, of course, is that we understand the languages and relate to being greeted in skins by men at the airport.

It really feels great to be safe behind high walls and security, far from whining couples and murdering South Africans.

My friend adds that Zimbabwe is no better, but I tell her I only know the sanctuary I want to recreate back home.

Look men, if you want to do strange things, ensure your wife never finds out.

As for my friend, I applaud her for sleeping with her brother-in-law.

The aim was not to match her husband’s whoring, but to get to the jugular.

Sleeping with randoms to prove your point is nuts.

Also ladies, stop taking this crime.

Hit these criminals where it hurts most, go for the jugular!

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