6 months ago
A HANDFUL OF CROTCH IS JUST VULGAR!
South African journalist and television presenter Kuli Roberts. Photo: Gallo Images/The times/Daniel Born  ~ 

EXCHANGING numbers with men doesn’t entail asking them for money.

A male friend said he met a woman at a gospel launch, and they exchanged numbers.

But then he got a barrage of text messages requesting cash for undisclosed items.

The audacity!

Look, the recession has us broke.

But the rightNapproach is the only way to get your way. Darlings, let me tell you the ways to approach love and lust.

Let’s start on the internet.

If you’re looking for a lover or wife, please don’t post pictures of your hairy chest, as shirts were invented for good reasons.

Make an effort with your pictures.

Ensure they’re in focus, and that the pose is dignified.

A handful of crotch is just vulgar.

Make sure your toddler or your parents aren’t in the background.

Look your best.

This means no drunk party pictures.

Or short-sleeved shirts – unless you’re an accountant or golfer.

Your online profile picture should be appealing, as it’s your audition for lust or love.

Before you post, please ensure you have all your teeth – as we see you from all angles. Girls don’t go for missing teeth.

Most women on these sites look for one-night stands or short affairs, so look physically appealing.

No one is going to have a fling with you if you insist on resembling Santa in June.

Your handle on these sites should never include a description of your penis, because you’re not trying to scare women off.

In most dating sites you are requested to describe your ideal woman.

Don’t say your ideal woman should not be over-confident or independent.

And now, some advice to the ladies.

Let’s talk about the approach to use in a club.

Don’t accept drinks from strangers, as they could be spiking you.

Don’t accept a man who sends a friend to give you messages as that’s childish.

Since we’re going to be murdered at anytime, here’s a different approach to surviving SA.

Don’t travel alone anywhere, except to your toilet at home.

Never drive a car that draws attention to you.

Yes, you worked hard for it, but hijackers won’t.

Maybe, you think I’m surrendering to criminals, and maybe I am – in my effort to keep you alive!

I’ve changed my own approach to be protected against the carnage in our country.

Give the barman a password – in case your date gets violent, so he can call the cops or Uber.

Look hun, whether you want to stay alive or just get sexual activations online, change your approach for the sake of self-preservation.

For Mzansi is not Utopia.

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